Author: Isabella

The elegant art…

The elegant art of falling apart … the graceful beauty of surviving…

Having spent an entire long weekend with myself, centering myself and learning to be at peace, I have not experienced anything like this before.

True happiness and serenity has been mine for most of the weekend – loneliness and depression has not been a part of the picture. What I am experiencing at this moment is the result of choices and decisions made in the past; what I will experience in the future depends on choices and decisions I make now. Happiness is a daily decision.

 

I’m Back!

Oh yeah. I. Am. Back.

In a big way.

In a good way.

Stronger and better than ever before.

Life has changed so much and I have learnt how strong I am, that I can look after myself.

For so long I thought that I needed other people to look after me, protect me and be there for me. To support me – not financially, but in every other way. Pick up the pieces for me.

Well. I am no longer breaking things. No longer breaking myself. I am not needing to pick up the scattered remnants of my actions and life.

In fact, I am building a life.

Sure, with some false starts, mistakes and embarrassing moments but the point is, everytime I am falling, I am getting back up again, dusting myself off and getting on with things. And not making the same mistake again.
Well not quite true, however less and less.

At least this time I was quicker to pick myself up, less collateral damage and quicker turn around for feeling brighter.

I can only keep trying.

I Can See Clearly Now

So confusing. Life.

The Boy and I have split up and it is so hard.

I am so close to getting all of my shit sorted, exercising and money wise not to mention everything else, but I could not cope any longer with the lack of love shown, anger directed at me and removal of communication. So I got really drunk. So stupid. So So Stupid.
I begged The Boy to talk to me, not to yell, but talk to me, talk about our issues, not push me away from him, physically and emotionally. But he wouldn’t.

So, it’s so stupid, we don’t want to but we have split up possibly for good and it is so sad.

Somedays I want to sit down with The Boy and say let’s stop this stupidity, sort our shit out together and move on. Others I want to move out into my own place and live, breath and run my own show, do it myself. But at the end of the day, I just wanted The Boy to love me like I loved him, not to yell at me etc.
At least I am getting healthy and fitter slowly, looking at my own apartment and starting to think about myself and my life.

Dammit.

Such a loser

Ok so reality check which is what was required unfortunately. Why do I always have to learn the hard way?

The one fucking person I should have listened to and respected and I didn’t. Thought I knew best and that he didn’t understand me, wouldn’t listen to me.

But what it all comes down to is that I didn’t love myself, trust myself or even like myself so why on earth would I do the same to the person who loved me? To trust him would mean to trust that I am loveable.

Fuck. This is going to be hard.

I want to be normal and look after myself, love myself, eat healthily, exercise and make good safe decisions.

I also hope that when I do get my shit together that The Boy and I still have a chance. I think we have the potential to be great together and I love him – unfortunately more than I love myself at the moment.

I don’t think I have too far to go to do this – it’s in my grasp. It’s just so fucking painful.