It’s 6 months today since mum died and the pain is easing slightly but the loneliness continues without abating.
I miss her little face, her voice and her joy at always seeing me or answering the phone to me – she would always say “I was just thinking about you!”.
She always seemed to be thinking about me. As I did her.
I am still crying most days and try to keep myself busy and positive by thinking of the good things in my life, however it is hard when I am surrounded on a daily basis with a negative and depressed housemate and ex-lover. I feel as if my life has stopped some days, that there is nothing to look forward to, that this is my life and I just have to get used to it. That I will always be alone.
Loneliness and isolation have always been my issues in life – I have never felt safe, included or surrounded by people who love me – I have always stood slightly alone – the outsider looking in and observing. I find it hard to interact with people, to immerse myself in other people’s lives and become a part of theirs as I feel I have nothing to add. Yet I yearn for the connections, love, friendship and feeling of being part of a ‘tribe’.
Being an only child has not helped, or in fact probably created, that feeling of ‘being’ different … not to mention all the secrets I have carried to this day – when I share them, I feel over exposed, vulnerable and unsafe, so it is easier to not share.
So today, I will think of the positives in my life, my achievements in the last 3 years – particularly since mum died – and I will try to celebrate and be positive – because I have a lot to live for and be grateful.
Mostly, I am grateful to mum for raising me so strong and resilient – I am truly my mothers daughter and I am proud.