Tag Archives: Mum

I Wish

I knew I hadn’t scratched the surface of who you were. It was unspoken about. Off bounds. But your choices spoke volumes to me.

I just couldn’t reach you to hold you tight. Instead you self medicated and I yelled. Screamed. Sobbed every day thinking and knowing I’d lose you too soon.

Well too soon for me. Not soon enough for you.

I struggle – was my ego the right choice in keeping you alive? I sometimes regret it.

I know I’ll never try to control anyone ever again.

I can’t bring you back snd it kills me.

I can’t ask anyone about you because they too are dead.

I feel you around me, see you. I love you and miss you.

I cannot get off this ride of grief, loss and loneliness.

Luv,

Me.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Mum’s Birthday

It’s mums birthday today.

Drove around the streets of less than salubrious suburbs I dragged myself up in reflecting on the past, houses and schools.

Song – You and Me by Penny and the Quarters – https://youtu.be/H8rumyup0Os

Song – You and Me – Penny and the Quarters

Happy birthday Mum – I miss you so much.

Love,

Me

6 months today

It’s 6 months today since mum died and the pain is easing slightly but the loneliness continues without abating.

I miss her little face, her voice and her joy at always seeing me or answering the phone to me – she would always say “I was just thinking about you!”.

She always seemed to be thinking about me. As I did her.

I am still crying most days and try to keep myself busy and positive by thinking of the good things in my life, however it is hard when I am surrounded on a daily basis with a negative and depressed housemate and ex-lover. I feel as if my life has stopped some days, that there is nothing to look forward to, that this is my life and I just have to get used to it. That I will always be alone.

Loneliness and isolation have always been my issues in life – I have never felt safe, included or surrounded by people who love me – I have always stood slightly alone – the outsider looking in and observing. I find it hard to interact with people, to immerse myself in other people’s lives and become a part of theirs as I feel I have nothing to add. Yet I yearn for the connections, love, friendship and feeling of being part of a ‘tribe’.

Being an only child has not helped, or in fact probably created, that feeling of ‘being’ different … not to mention all the secrets I have carried to this day – when I share them, I feel over exposed, vulnerable and unsafe, so it is easier to not share.

So today, I will think of the positives in my life, my achievements in the last 3 years – particularly since mum died – and I will try to celebrate and be positive – because I have a lot to live for and be grateful.

Mostly, I am grateful to mum for raising me so strong and resilient – I am truly my mothers daughter and I am proud.

 

I have truly lost everything

Everything and everyone has gone.

I am now trying to rebuild everything.

Job. Career. Study. Friends. Life. Health.

I lost my mum, my beautiful mum nearly six months ago.

It is only now that I have started living again – some days I truly did not know how life could start being good again. Or if I wanted it to.

Since mum died, I lost my purpose, my reason and desire to do anything or to achieve anything other than getting out of bed … I was lucky to have a shower.

Now. I have finally gotten a job, in the welfare sector that I love.

I am starting to find me for the first time in 40 years.

All because I lost her.