Love in Lockdown

Love in a strange place and time – falling deeper into your arms.

Love in a strange place and time.
Surreal and real at the same time.
Holding on tight to the belief that I am worthy.
Worthy of your love.
Worthy of your soul.

It’s strange yet exhilarating.
I’m scared to let you in
Yet I yearn for your love
Seek out your touch and smell
I lean on you as never before
You sense my fear and stay still
Knowing me more than anyone ever before

You draw me closer
With warm tender words
Show me the real you
Trusting me with your beautiful soul
Begging me not to hurt you
I freeze.
I can’t promise that.
Please anything but that.

This cat has claws
Which swipe and scratch
When people venture too close
I hiss and scream and push away
Anyone who approaches my lair.

Yet you – Foxy – dared to enter
Into my space
My kingdom
My world
One step at a time
You showed me what could be mine
If I dared to put the claws away
And turn to you fur standing on end
Back arched, hissing, yet moving closer
Despite my fear and almost against my will.

I find myself swept into your warm strong arms
Drawing me closer to you
Heart to heart
Eye to eye
Lips to lips
We kiss slowly and gently.
We hold each other carefully
Neither smothering or possessive
We hold our own space
Inviting each other into our world
With warmth, courage and trust.

Trusting that we will do no harm to each other
Trusting ourselves with each other’s heart and soul.

Your Grey stormy eyes see me.
The real me.
Never before have I felt so safe.
Your beautiful calm soul soothing my pain.
What have you got to gain?
What have I to offer other than pain?

When you turn to me,
Bedroom eyes drawing me in,
I want to hold you close,
Smother you In love and tenderness
Release your beautiful soul to be free
Knowing that you will come back to me.

This is a once off love.
Swept through our hearts and off our feet.
A love in strange times.
We fought it,
The timing was wrong,
Vulnerable and exposed
We had no choice but to give in.

When is love ever in the right time?
We whisper to each other
As we explore this precious treasure chest
Of laughter, hope, honesty and desire
We have no choice.
We have no chance
To put on hold our love and desire
So we enter the churning sea.

Holding hands
Staring deep into each other’s eyes
We jump off the cliff together.
Trusting we will land in wonderland
Made up of two – me and you.

I love you Foxy.

I love your smile,
Your shy approach
Hiding a strength that is deceiving
Your deep still waters calm my chaos
Your pure soul deserves love and passion
All that I have to give is yours.
I promise to try to not hurt us both.
I withdraw my claws,
Silence the hissing
Turn to you with arms held wide
Drawing you closer to me and my warm cocoon of love.
I will do my best to love you deeply, without restraint.
Rose coloured glasses removed to see you clearly and always.

Foxy – I love you no matter where we end up after this crazy, surreal and fucked up time is over. You deserve the sun, the moon, the stars – my world is a better place for having you in it.

You make me want to be a better woman
A better me
For you.
But mainly and importantly – for me.

Lots of luv,

Don’t stop swaying – Sophie B Hawkins

Childish People Pleasing

This year I’ve seen the extreme spectrum of people’s behaviour – toxic and revolting bullying and abuse to pure love, acceptance and kindness. Gratitude reins supreme.

This year I’ve experienced the most toxic situations I have been in since my childhood. All by choice. Witnessed the full spectrum of positive and negative behaviour of others and myself- and nearly come undone by my childish people pleasing.

I’ve been bullied, shamed and allowed myself to be victimised. I’ve believed the toxic people I chose to listen to when they said I wasn’t normal, I’m too much, I’m too little, boring, have nothing of interest to say, their “shoulds” and changes I need to make – for them.

Reflecting back, I’ve been doing this since late 20’s – tried to be what others wanted. And it hurt. It hurt really really badly because I always failed to be enough and their image of what I ”should” be.

Also this year, I’ve had amazing gifts of friendship, support, guidance and acceptance of……me. The Isabella who has no longer got a shield of denial or hiding places – I’ve had no choice. I’ve been reduced to a blubbering mess and forced to accept all that I am – all her odd ways, self sabotaging and also the positive aspects of me.

Through the kindness of new friends and the acceptance and willingness to reconnect of old friends who have known me since I was 17, I have felt loved, appreciated and cherished. I’ve learned that not everyone will appreciate me in all my erratic ways and that’s ok.

The friends that accept me – warts and all – are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones I need to listen to. Not the ones that tell me that I’m not normal, I don’t communicate well or that want me to change to fit their image and lift.

I’ve had an absolute toxic revolting year – yet a very very soft landing where I am safe, secure and willing to learn. I have so so many blessings and am aware of them on a daily basis – my gratitude list is long.

I’ve got a lot of learning and healing to do. I still make mistakes daily/hourly. But I’m willing to learn new behaviours and to appreciate every person in my life as they are. If I don’t want to be told I must change and conform then I have no right or desire to demand others change or to tell them they are wrong.

So thankful to have the ability to reflect and grow – thanks to key people in my life that have shown me what true friendship and love looks like.

I am loved, loathed, tolerated, accepted and rejected – and all of it is ok.




All We Need is Love

“I don’t want my idea of you. That’s too easy, and it isn’t real. I want you, faults and all. And I want you to want me, faults and all, not any ideas you have about love.” Waylon Lewis

Over the last few weeks, I am slowly appreciating – and accepting – that love comes in many forms.

I’ve always believed in the concept of “Let go, let love” and have loved one boy – who is now a man – since I was 18 years old. Bobby. He is my soul mate, my Romeo, the man I loved enough to let go of – hoping that one day we would be friends again. By the end of my 20’s we were no longer in contact and my heart ached and I mourned the loss for many, many years – in some ways I still do.

From there I sped into my 30’s – spending close to 10 years with a man – J – who simply saw me as an adornment, a symbol and something to have around the house for show. There was an empty hole in my heart and soul that I filled with alcohol and substances – we knew from the first few months that we were not a good match. Yet we persevered. Why? I still do not know fully – I have some insight – however the full reasons have not yet been revealed – and may not be. All I know was that the girl I was always felt invisible, alone, a ghost in the corner, unheard, a girl who lost her voice and knowledge of who she was – not that she knew in the beginning either. I did not have the strength to end the charade, so I exploded the life I had with him in November 2012. The remnants of that relationship and girl are still shards of glass that slice – I don’t delve too deeply into who she was – yet. She is still a charred, burnt out shell that I am slowly tying to heal.

I have loved another man – Joey – recently – since 2013. Again – I loved the boy inside the man enough to let him go, yet hung onto him at times that were harmful to him and I. We are not kindred spirits or soul mates, yet our love and passion runs deep – the fire in our love burns our souls. There is little nourishment or security with him, yet the sexual energies and shared intimacy keep lying to us both. The physical passion we experience taunts us – we connect so deeply when we make love, yet in the real world we struggle to communicate. At our worst we are revolting creatures who we do not recognise – we treat each other appallingly – vicious words, hurtful silences, wounding , scratching, and harmful energies. Yet there is love. Yet again, I have ended our relationship and want to be friends again – it’s better that way.

With all three men, we have tried multiple times over many years to make our love work – yet have not been able to. The first love of mine finally ended after eight long painful years – I let us both go free as he did as well. It was a mutual and painful choice.

The second laboured on for ten years.

The third man I have surrendered to the truth and we are now free to be friends as of last week. It’s still raw. But right. Joey and I will always be friends. I know that.

Bobby and I – well we live over 2000 kms away from each other, have not seen each other in person for ten years and only recently video called each other. Showing each other our homes, and absorbing the changes the years have made to each other. And we have – slowly – formed a friendship that is full of love and gratitude. The bond is still there, forgiveness and trust strong and love spoken, given and relieved.

I’m learning that I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel loved – I do not yet love myself much. Yet I respect and admire all three men in different ways – thus I trust that they see, or saw, something in me that I am yet to see or acknowledge.

I am trusting that if Bobby and Joey can love me, see some good in me, that maybe, just maybe, I am lovable.

With much love,


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