I knew I hadn’t scratched the surface or who you were. It was unspoken about. Off bounds. But your choices spoke volumes to me.
I just couldn’t reach you to hold you tight. Instead you self medicated and I yelled. Screamed. Sobbed every day thinking and knowing I’d lose you too soon.
Well too soon for me. Not soon enough for you.
I struggle – was my ego the right choice in keeping you alive? I sometimes regret it.
I know I’ll never try to control anyone ever again.
I can’t bring you back snd it kills me.
I can’t ask anyone about you because they too are dead.
I feel you around me, see you. I love you snd miss you.
I cannot get off this ride of grief, loss and loneliness.
I knew I hadn’t scratched the surface of who you were. It was unspoken about. Off bounds. But your choices spoke volumes to me.
I just couldn’t reach you to hold you tight. Instead you self medicated and I yelled. Screamed. Sobbed every day thinking and knowing I’d lose you too soon.
Well too soon for me. Not soon enough for you.
I struggle – was my ego the right choice in keeping you alive? I sometimes regret it.
I know I’ll never try to control anyone ever again.
I can’t bring you back snd it kills me.
I can’t ask anyone about you because they too are dead.
I feel you around me, see you. I love you and miss you.
I cannot get off this ride of grief, loss and loneliness.
I knew I hadn’t scratched the surface or who you were. It was unspoken about. Off bounds. But your choices spoke volumes to me.
I just couldn’t reach you to hold you tight. Instead you self medicated and I yelled. Screamed. Sobbed every day thinking and knowing I’d lose you too soon.
Well too soon for me. Not soon enough for you.
I struggle – was my ego the right choice in keeping you alive? I sometimes regret it.
I know I’ll never try to control anyone ever again.
I can’t bring you back snd it kills me.
I can’t ask anyone about you because they too are dead.
I feel you around me, see you. I love you snd miss you.
I cannot get off this ride of grief, loss and loneliness.
The beginning of the end or the start of something new?
This is so true right now – in fact my whole life has been like this. I was always looking after someone else – trying, but mostly forcing, my own will onto others.
I was critical, judgemental and angry at those close to me. I fought, cried and begged them to try to help themselves – knowing that I was forcing my will onto them. Whilst I was also sabotaging and harming myself to resist change and to cope with hating myself.
I was in so much pain and expressed it the only way I knew how – by being angry when they wouldn’t seek help, play the martyr or call me to fix the problem when it had escalated to being a crisis. I’ve lost so many years trying to fix the broken people around me – in the process I lost myself and harmed myself.
Finally in 2016, I admitted I was beaten and wrong – my way never worked – I had to change. No one else.
My last drunken binge was huge and I had no idea it would be the last time I would drink. Wednesday 20th of April, 2016 consisted of lunch drinks at 12pm noon sharp – 3 glasses of red wine in less than an hour.
The waitress was friendly when I first sat down to have “lunch” on my day off, however at the end of the two hours and 6 red wines, she wasn’t as friendly. I was aware of the change in attitude, the looks of astonishment and judgement she was casting at me – it was time to leave. I was completely steady on my feet, no slurring or falling over – which would tell its own story of the high tolerance I had for alcohol.
I hadn’t finished for the day! Oh no! The sun was shining, I was blissfully aware of the world around me and felt beautiful, funny and an abundance of love for everything and everyone. There was no way in hell I was returning to the dark dungeon that housed the dark, moody and depressed Joey who refused to leave my home until he was ready. Oh no. I was determined to have some fucking fun in my life for once. I wanted to party, feel the sun on my face, laugh and feel free.
The day was still young – so much time left to drink and have fun for the day! I was determined to ignore that I had to drive to get home, had work the next day and would eventually have to return to the blackened husk of toxic waste I called home.
I called Anne of Green Gables – my best friend since I was 16 – yep! Of course I could come around and keep her company while she played her role as housewife with 3 children all under the age of 5. I rocked up to her place at 2pm, music blaring, grinning, brandishing two bottles of red wine. The kids loved drunk Isabella – they had no idea why mummy and Isabella were so much fun all of a sudden!!! Anne of Green Gables and I polished both bottles of red wine by 5pm – just in time for me to leave before her husband came home. Being the good friend I am I left another bottle of red wine for her to have that night – I even opened it and poured her a glass. We were so clever doing this – her hubby would think that she had just opened the first bottle for the day! He would never know it would be her second bottle of the day. Hehehehehehe
By 5.30pm I was home safe, no fatalities, car in one piece and as drunk as a skunk – but nooooooo the party would not stop. I cracked open a bottle of white wine so I could be classy and pretend that I had my drinking under control.
It’s now 7.30pm and I was onto the sparking wine and polished that off just in time to drive to the bottle shop for another bottle of sparkling wine for the night. Shops close at 9pm – how rude!
Fuck off Joey – I’ll drive if I want to, I’m fine, and no I don’t want to fuck you! But I do want you to move out of my fucking house and get your stinking rotten carcass out of my grandparents bedroom where you have been festering for 8 months. Thank fuck you are leaving in two weeks – on Mother’s Day of course – you’ll make that fucking day all about you of course.
Ohhhh yeah. That sweet, friendly Isabella had turned into her toxic, abusive revolting individual who was vile and vindictive.
I’m told by Joey that I was pretty full on abusive which I don’t doubt. Anne of Green Gables later told me she had no idea at any stage that I had drank a bottle of red before starting the party at her place. See! Told you I could handle my alcohol and my tolerance was high! Isabella knows her fucking alcohol limits, regularly exceeded them and turned into a blackout, erratic hot pile of mess.
That party on Wednesday 20th April, 2016 had me in bed and hungover for two days. Of which the hours were excruciatingly painful, soul destroying, full of regret, denial, fear, shame, remorse, guilt and the obsessive certainty that I would lose my job, then my car, my house and my life.
Something had to change.
And amazingly it did. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time or one step, second or thought at a time.
I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.
My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.
Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.
So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:
I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.
The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.
Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.
BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.
I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.
Isabella.
xxx
Whats a Girl?
*** Reposted as I will be starting a Steps insight as I am now up to Step 2 and would like to focus more on my recovery steps and my experiences with AA, as well as my daily challenges, difficulties and wins.
