“I am currently unsupervised, I know, it freaks me out too…..
But the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!!”
Yep. Unsupervised. SCARY????
I have spent the last few months (read 6 months) just wanting to press RESET…. I wanted to throw everything away – job, apartment, new relationship – EVERYTHING.
I dreamt and day dreamed of getting out of the car on a busy, fast freeway and a semi coming along and collecting me. BAM. Done. Gone. Without fuss. Without action from me. Just GONE. You must have seen the ads – the guys is driving, he is texting and stoned and his girlfriend talks him into pulling over on the side of a busy freeway so she can drive. He gets out and BAM. He is collected by a semi. Gone in an instant. That’s what I wanted. A lot.
Things were building up …. I couldn’t handle things anymore.
Then after an incident with the little ray of sunshine, my grandmothers funeral and seeing my abusive uncle for the 2nd time in 20 years I lost it. I swallowed a bottle of pills after a lot to drink. And it was bliss. Exactly what I wanted.
Then I woke up. In hospital. With the little ray of sunshine looking at me over the side of the hospital bed. Works out that he had called an ambulance and they had to revive me as I was ‘unresponsive’. And covered in bruises from the wonderful hospital nurses and doctors attempts to get me to respond.
Am I proud? No.
Was this the first time? Yes.
Do I understand why I did it? Yes.
Do I regret it? No.
Would I do it again? Not now.
Because it served, as with most life experiences, as a ‘reset’ button, a ‘low’ that you can only go up from – if you are lucky enough to have the opportunity. I know so many people that were successful in easing the pain as they needed to and the only people that suffered afterwards was their loved ones.
That incident has now created the Universe to kick me up the arse and start listening to ME, and what I need and want. To not live my life for other people … to live it for me.
For that I am thankful.
And to the little ray of sunshine and the Dr’s and nurses that were there that night.
The elegant art of falling apart … the graceful beauty of surviving…
Having spent an entire long weekend with myself, centering myself and learning to be at peace, I have not experienced anything like this before.
True happiness and serenity has been mine for most of the weekend – loneliness and depression has not been a part of the picture. What I am experiencing at this moment is the result of choices and decisions made in the past; what I will experience in the future depends on choices and decisions I make now. Happiness is a daily decision.