This year I’ve seen the extreme spectrum of people’s behaviour – toxic and revolting bullying and abuse to pure love, acceptance and kindness. Gratitude reins supreme.
This year I’ve experienced the most toxic situations I have been in since my childhood. All by choice. Witnessed the full spectrum of positive and negative behaviour of others and myself- and nearly come undone by my childish people pleasing.
I’ve been bullied, shamed and allowed myself to be victimised. I’ve believed the toxic people I chose to listen to when they said I wasn’t normal, I’m too much, I’m too little, boring, have nothing of interest to say, their “shoulds” and changes I need to make – for them.
Reflecting back, I’ve been doing this since late 20’s – tried to be what others wanted. And it hurt. It hurt really really badly because I always failed to be enough and their image of what I ”should” be.
Also this year, I’ve had amazing gifts of friendship, support, guidance and acceptance of……me. The Isabella who has no longer got a shield of denial or hiding places – I’ve had no choice. I’ve been reduced to a blubbering mess and forced to accept all that I am – all her odd ways, self sabotaging and also the positive aspects of me.
Through the kindness of new friends and the acceptance and willingness to reconnect of old friends who have known me since I was 17, I have felt loved, appreciated and cherished. I’ve learned that not everyone will appreciate me in all my erratic ways and that’s ok.
The friends that accept me – warts and all – are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones I need to listen to. Not the ones that tell me that I’m not normal, I don’t communicate well or that want me to change to fit their image and lift.
I’ve had an absolute toxic revolting year – yet a very very soft landing where I am safe, secure and willing to learn. I have so so many blessings and am aware of them on a daily basis – my gratitude list is long.
I’ve got a lot of learning and healing to do. I still make mistakes daily/hourly. But I’m willing to learn new behaviours and to appreciate every person in my life as they are. If I don’t want to be told I must change and conform then I have no right or desire to demand others change or to tell them they are wrong.
So thankful to have the ability to reflect and grow – thanks to key people in my life that have shown me what true friendship and love looks like.
I am loved, loathed, tolerated, accepted and rejected – and all of it is ok.
It’s 7.30pm on a Friday night and Isabella is still at work – having started at 6.30am and she is still not ready to leave.
Isabella also worked late last night until 7.30pm.
Is Isabella avoiding something?
She finds it easier to work back late as she has the energy, focus and enjoys her work, however she finds herself delaying going home tonight and she is curious as to why.
Last night with The Boy was a bad night all round – things got off to a off start when The Boy called Isabella “Precious” when she couldn’t figure out where he was when meeting up. Then, when they did meet up, The Boy was obviously annoyed which, because she was tired and wanted a glass of white wine, she reacted to. There was no fighting, no arguing or aggression, just silence. Golden silence.
Isabella did not have the energy to argue, discuss or try to make things better – she just, unusually wanted to be left alone. The urge for flight was strong, however she remained seated and in the vicinity of The Boy as much as she could – she just wanted to get out of there.
When they got home, Isabella found she couldn’t sleep – partly because she was too wound up, partly because she wanted her own space and also because The Boy was starting to snore. Ahhhh domestic bliss.
From full on passion to passive agression in 24 hours – talk about head spins and heart failure.
So Isabella got up early today, having slept in the spare bed, soundly and securely and raced off to work to ‘get things’ done. At least at work Isabella can keep her mind occupied and busy, with worthwhile tasks.
The other benefit is that she doesn’t eat much and will hopefully lose weight. Plus. The bonus people – she doesn’t drink or shop or further antagonise The Boy.