The beginning of the end or the start of something new?
This is so true right now – in fact my whole life has been like this. I was always looking after someone else – trying, but mostly forcing, my own will onto others.
I was critical, judgemental and angry at those close to me. I fought, cried and begged them to try to help themselves – knowing that I was forcing my will onto them. Whilst I was also sabotaging and harming myself to resist change and to cope with hating myself.
I was in so much pain and expressed it the only way I knew how – by being angry when they wouldn’t seek help, play the martyr or call me to fix the problem when it had escalated to being a crisis. I’ve lost so many years trying to fix the broken people around me – in the process I lost myself and harmed myself.
Finally in 2016, I admitted I was beaten and wrong – my way never worked – I had to change. No one else.
My last drunken binge was huge and I had no idea it would be the last time I would drink. Wednesday 20th of April, 2016 consisted of lunch drinks at 12pm noon sharp – 3 glasses of red wine in less than an hour.
The waitress was friendly when I first sat down to have “lunch” on my day off, however at the end of the two hours and 6 red wines, she wasn’t as friendly. I was aware of the change in attitude, the looks of astonishment and judgement she was casting at me – it was time to leave. I was completely steady on my feet, no slurring or falling over – which would tell its own story of the high tolerance I had for alcohol.
I hadn’t finished for the day! Oh no! The sun was shining, I was blissfully aware of the world around me and felt beautiful, funny and an abundance of love for everything and everyone. There was no way in hell I was returning to the dark dungeon that housed the dark, moody and depressed Joey who refused to leave my home until he was ready. Oh no. I was determined to have some fucking fun in my life for once. I wanted to party, feel the sun on my face, laugh and feel free.
The day was still young – so much time left to drink and have fun for the day! I was determined to ignore that I had to drive to get home, had work the next day and would eventually have to return to the blackened husk of toxic waste I called home.
I called Anne of Green Gables – my best friend since I was 16 – yep! Of course I could come around and keep her company while she played her role as housewife with 3 children all under the age of 5. I rocked up to her place at 2pm, music blaring, grinning, brandishing two bottles of red wine. The kids loved drunk Isabella – they had no idea why mummy and Isabella were so much fun all of a sudden!!! Anne of Green Gables and I polished both bottles of red wine by 5pm – just in time for me to leave before her husband came home. Being the good friend I am I left another bottle of red wine for her to have that night – I even opened it and poured her a glass. We were so clever doing this – her hubby would think that she had just opened the first bottle for the day! He would never know it would be her second bottle of the day. Hehehehehehe
By 5.30pm I was home safe, no fatalities, car in one piece and as drunk as a skunk – but nooooooo the party would not stop. I cracked open a bottle of white wine so I could be classy and pretend that I had my drinking under control.
It’s now 7.30pm and I was onto the sparking wine and polished that off just in time to drive to the bottle shop for another bottle of sparkling wine for the night. Shops close at 9pm – how rude!
Fuck off Joey – I’ll drive if I want to, I’m fine, and no I don’t want to fuck you! But I do want you to move out of my fucking house and get your stinking rotten carcass out of my grandparents bedroom where you have been festering for 8 months. Thank fuck you are leaving in two weeks – on Mother’s Day of course – you’ll make that fucking day all about you of course.
Ohhhh yeah. That sweet, friendly Isabella had turned into her toxic, abusive revolting individual who was vile and vindictive.
I’m told by Joey that I was pretty full on abusive which I don’t doubt. Anne of Green Gables later told me she had no idea at any stage that I had drank a bottle of red before starting the party at her place. See! Told you I could handle my alcohol and my tolerance was high! Isabella knows her fucking alcohol limits, regularly exceeded them and turned into a blackout, erratic hot pile of mess.
That party on Wednesday 20th April, 2016 had me in bed and hungover for two days. Of which the hours were excruciatingly painful, soul destroying, full of regret, denial, fear, shame, remorse, guilt and the obsessive certainty that I would lose my job, then my car, my house and my life.
Something had to change.
And amazingly it did. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time or one step, second or thought at a time.
2013 – in reflection – was the start of the end …. although it could be argued that either the years 2011 or 2012 have equal rights to this dubious accolade.
You see, 2013 was the year that Joey entered my life – I believe somewhere around May – via an online dating app that my ego was burnt on. My ego was so deflated and ashamed that Joey was the only person I spoke to and met up with.
Text messages and emails soon led to phone calls – what Joey did not know, nor did I wish him to, was that I was always drunk when we communicated. Even over the phone – surely I slurred my words after two bottles of wine on a week night??
Finally, after a week (I know – I played very hard to get) we met up in person in a bar of my choice in the city centre. Coz – you know – safety first. That date went for eight hours – lunch, drinks and dinner. During this boozy time I felt myself drawn to him – on reflection – he played me from day one. But I was completely unaware. I was too busy thinking – oh wow! I am dateable, desirable, funny and everything that my newly ex-partner told me I wasn’t! Joey laughed at my increasingly drunken jokes, showed a sensitive side, gazed into my eyes and for the first time in years, I felt like the only woman alive in the world. Because Joey was only focused on me.
Two short dates later and I invited him into bed with the romantic, classy invitation of “So are you going to take me home and fuck me?”. After a short, stunned pause Joey immediately grabbed the bill and we were out of the there and he was in!
Ohhhhh boy was he in. We spent the remainder of the weekend in bed – only getting up for showers and alcohol – no food that I recall. Highly doubtful as by this time I was living my own life in a gorgeous apartment in a trendy suburb and white or red wine, sparkling wine and bar food was my food of choice. The cupboards were bare – although I recall him eating Skittles sourced from somewhere. Recollections are hazy as – you know – I spent the entire time drunk, having the most glorious sex of my life and sleeping – in that order.
That weekend soon led to every weekend with Joey in bed, bars and alcohol. We got on so well that we wondered why waste time? Why not have access to each other 24/7 and have Joey move in immediately.
So that is what we did – Joey moved in – officially eight weeks after our first date. July was not only the start of the new financial year – it was the start of the most tumultuous, passionate, fucked up relationship I have ever had. I know right???? Again – I do play hard to get. Safety first – never invite a stranger into your home on the first date – which I didn’t. So there. I was safe.
What I didn’t know was that Joey was a daily dope smoker – I did know he was just finishing a private investigator qualification and he was a casual/part-time actor which meant he had no daily commitments. Joey would wave goodbye to me from my newly purchased bed, using my brand new couch and TV in my gorgeous apartment while I went to my highly paid Management job. Monday to Friday – 8am to 6pm – I worked and he did what he pleased in my apartment. Great Gig for Joey!!! I have suspicions that he wasn’t alone every day …… the lying and doubts started immediately.
What Joey did not know when he moved in was that I was a failed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) member from 2011 and 2012 – therefore I was an active alcoholic in every manner.
Oh well. All is fair in love and war.
Within a couple of weeks, I was silently acknowledging to my alcohol addled self that ….. yes ….. I was dating my father – figuratively speaking of course. And….well…… Joey had some problems – and they were not caused by me. Well not at that time anyway.
Joey was – and still is – an incredible lover, sensitive and intellectual – all that dope smoking during the day and WarCraft while I am at work meant that he was ready for me at all times.
I saw not only my father in his past, I saw the boy in the man and I fell madly, deeply and passionately in love with him. I could not tear myself apart from him – so much so that I ended up getting myself retrenched in September – great! Not a problem! I too will go on Government benefits – just like Joey – and we can have daily sex, drugs and alcohol – what a life I threw myself into.
Yep. As I said – 2013 was the start of the end of my life as a respectable career woman and the start of an abusive, explosive and unemployed few years of my life – to date.
I am proud to announce that I am now, again, unemployed, occasionally having amazing sex with Joey and our relationship is still as fucked up as it was in 2013.
Don’t worry – I will fill in the gaps soon – my life over the last 7 years has resembled The Shining, Forrest Gump and – as a (now ex) close friend said – the worlds greatest train wreck ever seen – if not in comparison to the explosion of Earth.
Warning – long post and hopefully a laugh for someone. I am. 😁🤦🏼♀️🧐
It’s so easy to fool everyone that you’ve got it together. I recently divulged some recent thoughts and plans to my GPS of 20 years and they lovingly “dobbed” me into my psychiatrist of 12 months. I thought I had told my GP the REAL BAD thoughts.
Until I saw my psychiatrist 3 days later🤦🏼♀️. Firstly – she was horrified – “why didn’t we know?” – my response was “Look at me – no one would ever guessed – I’m always “on” and well presented” (hello shopping addiction ❤️ U).
Then she REALLY hit the big time – …”…medication ain’t gunna cut it!” she cried! “…It’s a band aid fix!!!…“
“The Drama of Gifted Child” by Alice Miller was almost ordered as mandatory reading. Then the shocker – once weekly intense therapy sessions with her … “most people need 12-18 sessions Isabella….. you …. you’re looking at intense therapy of up to 30-40 sessions!!!” and inpatient DBT therapy!!!!
“Do you have private health insurance?” she queries yet again. …. same answer – no. “Well this is my specialty and I don’t mean to be rude Isabella but I charge $300 an hour – and I don’t bulk bill or take private health insurance”. We both looked at each other – both immediately hoped that the lovely (unnamed for privacy reasons) funding will agree to pay for her …. we have decided to proceed and charge. THEN deal with them if they reject the additional costs. I love acting first apologising later!!!
As for private health insurance – I do now! Hello top private Heath insurance company- welcome to draining my savings.
THEN this little black duck went back to her GP (I ❤️ Them) and thanked her for “dobbing me in”. When I mentioned the car/garage, my GP looked majorly confoosed… spun around to her computer notes and said “I don’t remember you mentioning THAT!” That’s when I realised …… I HADN’T ACTUALLY TOLD HER THE ENTIRE “BAD” bits!!!! So essentially dobbed myself in twice. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ ****Note – Phenergan fucks me up big time****
So I threw out my Phenergan a second time in 3 weeks….
Clearly all this shit is why I was abusing substances for so long…. and a deeper me wants help not….. the other alternatives.
Lessons for me: my inner core and other internal/external drivers want to live life with peace, calm and something called happiness. At just over 3 years sober I’m smacking my forehead and saying to my lovely medical team – this is why I drank and drugged…. to avoid these memories and feelings.
This is why I’m so fucking alone in the world:
No family – except two males I keep at text/email distance,
close acquaintances I see every 4-6 weeks maximum 2-3 hours whom I’ve know maximum of 3-4 years,
an erratic, beautiful fucked up guy since 2013 in/out of my life (hello Joey!)
Nil social outings or I rotate/space out lunches or dinners or I have spurts of social engagement that drains me and leaves me vulnerable and agitated.
No job or career aspects anymore.
Income protection kicking in soon.
The option of employment is out of the window for at least 12 months.
Medicated but not a zombie.
Hobbies include reading, new to gardening and …. online shopping.
On bad days I lay on the couch watching the sun and clock move from morning to night so I can go to sleep.
I see blood and death everywhere….
I have three cats that calm me.
l look great on the outside – even act it for a while…. guys think I’m awesome. Until they get into a relationship (I snare them quickly before they get away) and realise I am not wife material or as good as I seemed. But they’ve hung in there bless their cotton socks – coz I look good … and have other talents that I’ve refined over the years. I know my worth and skills – “a lady in the living room …. a whore in the bedroom..” 😉 Never been into casual sex – I’m too clingy. 😳🤣🤦🏼♀️
I truly believe I’ve been cursed or my soul lesson is to learn to be completely alone – everyone dies or leaves me. In my 20’s and 30’s when I had friends we would joke that everything does around me. 2013 onwards – it’s no longer a joke but reality. If I followed Buddhism faithfully, or at all, I would believe my life journey is to learn to live without attachment to people, places and things. And that’s ok.
Drinking is not an option – I refuse to die a drunk. But I haven’t ruled out euthanasia or other means …. but that’s for another day and decade hopefully.
AA program and beliefs (I don’t go to meetings anymore), other program tools, sober acquaintances and a strong belief in my Higher Powers (I’m so special I have a few 😉) a stupid internal resilience and ego keeps me alive, sober and trying to break the curse – one day at a time. Not friends, family or other social connections. Just my Drs, cats and an internal driver.
“I don’t want my idea of you. That’s too easy, and it isn’t real. I want you, faults and all. And I want you to want me, faults and all, not any ideas you have about love.”Waylon Lewis
Over the last few weeks, I am slowly appreciating – and accepting – that love comes in many forms.
I’ve always believed in the concept of “Let go, let love” and have loved one boy – who is now a man – since I was 18 years old. Bobby. He is my soul mate, my Romeo, the man I loved enough to let go of – hoping that one day we would be friends again. By the end of my 20’s we were no longer in contact and my heart ached and I mourned the loss for many, many years – in some ways I still do.
From there I sped into my 30’s – spending close to 10 years with a man – J – who simply saw me as an adornment, a symbol and something to have around the house for show. There was an empty hole in my heart and soul that I filled with alcohol and substances – we knew from the first few months that we were not a good match. Yet we persevered. Why? I still do not know fully – I have some insight – however the full reasons have not yet been revealed – and may not be. All I know was that the girl I was always felt invisible, alone, a ghost in the corner, unheard, a girl who lost her voice and knowledge of who she was – not that she knew in the beginning either. I did not have the strength to end the charade, so I exploded the life I had with him in November 2012. The remnants of that relationship and girl are still shards of glass that slice – I don’t delve too deeply into who she was – yet. She is still a charred, burnt out shell that I am slowly tying to heal.
I have loved another man – Joey – recently – since 2013. Again – I loved the boy inside the man enough to let him go, yet hung onto him at times that were harmful to him and I. We are not kindred spirits or soul mates, yet our love and passion runs deep – the fire in our love burns our souls. There is little nourishment or security with him, yet the sexual energies and shared intimacy keep lying to us both. The physical passion we experience taunts us – we connect so deeply when we make love, yet in the real world we struggle to communicate. At our worst we are revolting creatures who we do not recognise – we treat each other appallingly – vicious words, hurtful silences, wounding , scratching, and harmful energies. Yet there is love. Yet again, I have ended our relationship and want to be friends again – it’s better that way.
With all three men, we have tried multiple times over many years to make our love work – yet have not been able to. The first love of mine finally ended after eight long painful years – I let us both go free as he did as well. It was a mutual and painful choice.
The second laboured on for ten years.
The third man I have surrendered to the truth and we are now free to be friends as of last week. It’s still raw. But right. Joey and I will always be friends. I know that.
Bobby and I – well we live over 2000 kms away from each other, have not seen each other in person for ten years and only recently video called each other. Showing each other our homes, and absorbing the changes the years have made to each other. And we have – slowly – formed a friendship that is full of love and gratitude. The bond is still there, forgiveness and trust strong and love spoken, given and relieved.
I’m learning that I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel loved – I do not yet love myself much. Yet I respect and admire all three men in different ways – thus I trust that they see, or saw, something in me that I am yet to see or acknowledge.
I am trusting that if Bobby and Joey can love me, see some good in me, that maybe, just maybe, I am lovable.