Tag Archives: depression

Drowning Not Waving – Elegantly Falling

Lost, alone, don’t recognise me, don’t recognise you, don’t recognise anyone.

All I can do is keep moving, organising, dodging the bullets, avoiding reality, the knowledge erupting from the deepest core of my being.

Feeling nothing, feeling everything, feeling wrong, feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling completely and utterly alone and, yes, lonely. No drugs to dull the pain, to send me into blissful numbness – scared of losing a day, an hour, a minute. Yet I continue to lose track of days, reality and facts – leaving me more vulnerable to the black crows of death.

I was the secret keeper – so good at my job that I have even hidden them from me. But they are there, making their presence known, stirring themselves awake, slowly moving and growing bigger. They are tired of being bound to silence, to coffins full of dirt, to the very darkness that was once a safe place. The secrets threaten to destroy the very essence of this body, we are hanging on by the tips of our fingernails, slowly sliding down the cliff, nails ripped off, bleeding, unable to claw our way back up or to stop the fall.

Elegantly falling.

Falling so silently – no one hears my screams, my cries of agony and loneliness. I’ve never been heard or saved – only pushed over the edge to be “caught” by the very person who pushed me to my limits.

I have nothing more to give. Nothing more to stop my world crumbling into the abyss. I yearn to curl up into a ball, screaming into my arms, crying until I have no more tears left until tomorrow. I need a safe place to fall apart – I’m not sure I’ll make it out alive.

The darkness within is unknown, yet felt deeply and painfully, with glimpses into the past horrors I cannot believe exist. The surreal feeling of being damaged, toxic goods, never good enough, easy to leave and being left constantly. My only consistent companions are the secret keepers and those that protect us – even when they hurt us.

We are screaming for help, yet requesting it quietly, with dignity, purpose and focus. As long as we continue to look like we are functioning we are ok. Yet the strength and energy required to keep up the facade has taken its toll – I am a husk, a shell of a person. Never been whole.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, a circus of merry-go-rounds that I don’t want to be on, rides I cannot get off, tunnels of pain, laughter, confusion and distorted mirrors. Is the light real? Or a kaleidoscope of images that lead nowhere except down the rabbit hole.

I may see you in the morning.

I may not.

Lots of luv,

Me.

Isabella.

xxxxxxxxx

Mazzy Starr – Into Dust (saddest song ever)

Step 1 – Is My Life Unmanageable? (Reposted)

I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.

My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.

Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.

So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:

  • I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
  • I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
  • Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
  • I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
  • I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
  • Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
  • Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
  • Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.

The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.

Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.

BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.

I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.

Isabella.

xxx

Whats a Girl?

 

*** Reposted as I will be starting a Steps insight as I am now up to Step 2 and would like to focus more on my recovery steps and my experiences with AA, as well as my daily challenges, difficulties and wins.

Step 1 – Is My Life Unmanageable?

I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.

My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.

Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.

So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:

  • I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
  • I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
  • Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
  • I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
  • I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
  • Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
  • Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
  • Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.

The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.

Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.

BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.

I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.

Isabella.

xxx

Whats a Girl?

Resentments WILL Turn You to Drink

If there is one thing I have learnt over the last year, is that my resentments stew.

 
My resentments stew into a big, hot, boiling mess of infection that soon link up with other, unrelated resentments to make one big pussy mess of my emotions and make any attempt to resolve the issues like an adult almost impossible.
 
I now know that if I don’t work on the resentment as soon as it arises, I will drink over it. I will drink to resolve the issue that I should could approach as a clear headed adult if I gave myself the opportunity to do so. 
 
I found myself drinking over small issues, such as dishes in the sink when I want to cook, when really I was drinking because of larger issues that I was too afraid to confront and attempt to resolve. All because of my drinking and the secrecy surrounding it – and the shame. A vicious, vicious circle that only spirals downwards – quite often at an alarming rate such as days. Then, I would find myself in a huge argument with The Boy over something small, which although we would ‘make up’ there was always a feeling of issues unresolved, of nothing being achieved, of still spiralling down out of control – it was like I had stopped mid flight, paused and started travelling forward, however, still dangerously close to the ground.
 
Isabella also found this with work – she would stew on issues, become disenchanted, stressed or start doubting her abilities, so she would go for a walk at lunch, planning which cafe she could go to for lunch … with a sav blanc. Or three. Isabella always made it back to work within the hour – purse lighter, craving abated and a bigger worry to focus on – could anyone smell the wine on her? Is she slurring? How was she going to get through the rest of the afternoon without craving more – or wanting to sleep? What mistakes would she make that she will have to rectify?
 
So resentments can be the death of the alcoholic. Literally.
 
Isabella.
 
xx

Desperate to Get Out From Under this Cloud

3rd January, 2012 – reflections of diary entry. Life was bleak.

I am desperate to not sink into this hole of blackness. To not curl up into a ball and cry, cry, cry. I hate myself, I have no energy and I cannot really see the point. I am so tired of fighting everything – my past, my families history, fighting to maintain a normal existence and do all the things I ‘should’.

My mood is black and bleak.

Yet I still try to maintain a normal exterior – fruit and vegie shopping, knife shopping, bought a juicer for healthier living, walked the dog, marinated a chicken breast, took the garbage bins out, fed all of the animals, folded towels. All in an hour and a half. I used to have four drinks in the same time and ended up feeling relaxed, numb and energised. Now I just feel tired and depressed. So much for healthy, happy living.

My mood may definitely have something to do with the fact that I really only had 3-4 hours sleep last night and it was the first day back at work. AND I did not have a drop of caffeine (tea, coffee or diet Coke) or sugar throughout the day.

So tired I could sleep right here and now, but I am unable to because The Boy is due home soon and I will have to cook dinner – a heap of vegies, chicken and rice for The Boy – no rice for me.

I really don’t want to be a depressive. I am sure that after a good feed, a sleep and a fresh mind, I will be better tomorrow. I hope.

Luv me please.

Desperate to Get Out From Under this Cloud

I am desperate to not sink into this hole of blackness. To not curl up into a ball and cry, cry, cry. I hate myself, I have no energy and I cannot really see the point. I am so tired of fighting everything – my past, my families history, fighting to maintain a normal existence and do all the things I ‘should’.

My mood is black and bleak.

Yet I still try to maintain a normal exterior – fruit and vegie shopping, knife shopping, bought a juicer for healthier living, walked the dog, marinated a chicken breast, took the garbage bins out, fed all of the animals, folded towels. All in an hour and a half. I used to have four drinks in the same time and ended up feeling relaxed, numb and energised. Now I just feel tired and depressed. So much for healthy, happy living.

My mood may definitely have something to do with the fact that I really only had 3-4 hours sleep last night and it was the first day back at work. AND I did not have a drop of caffeine (tea, coffee or diet Coke) or sugar throughout the day.

So tired I could sleep right here and now, but I am unable to because The Boy is due home soon and I will have to cook dinner – a heap of vegies, chicken and rice for The Boy – no rice for me.

I really don’t want to be a depressive. I am sure that after a good feed, a sleep and a fresh mind, I will be better tomorrow. I hope.