One of my favourite poems by A.A. Milne – The End – When We Were Very Young – Poohs Corner
The End by A.A. Milne
The End.
The End.
Category: Diary Entry
Childish People Pleasing
This year I’ve seen the extreme spectrum of people’s behaviour – toxic and revolting bullying and abuse to pure love, acceptance and kindness. Gratitude reins supreme.
This year I’ve experienced the most toxic situations I have been in since my childhood. All by choice. Witnessed the full spectrum of positive and negative behaviour of others and myself- and nearly come undone by my childish people pleasing.
I’ve been bullied, shamed and allowed myself to be victimised. I’ve believed the toxic people I chose to listen to when they said I wasn’t normal, I’m too much, I’m too little, boring, have nothing of interest to say, their “shoulds” and changes I need to make – for them.
Reflecting back, I’ve been doing this since late 20’s – tried to be what others wanted. And it hurt. It hurt really really badly because I always failed to be enough and their image of what I ”should” be.
Also this year, I’ve had amazing gifts of friendship, support, guidance and acceptance of……me. The Isabella who has no longer got a shield of denial or hiding places – I’ve had no choice. I’ve been reduced to a blubbering mess and forced to accept all that I am – all her odd ways, self sabotaging and also the positive aspects of me.
Through the kindness of new friends and the acceptance and willingness to reconnect of old friends who have known me since I was 17, I have felt loved, appreciated and cherished. I’ve learned that not everyone will appreciate me in all my erratic ways and that’s ok.
The friends that accept me – warts and all – are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones I need to listen to. Not the ones that tell me that I’m not normal, I don’t communicate well or that want me to change to fit their image and lift.
I’ve had an absolute toxic revolting year – yet a very very soft landing where I am safe, secure and willing to learn. I have so so many blessings and am aware of them on a daily basis – my gratitude list is long.
I’ve got a lot of learning and healing to do. I still make mistakes daily/hourly. But I’m willing to learn new behaviours and to appreciate every person in my life as they are. If I don’t want to be told I must change and conform then I have no right or desire to demand others change or to tell them they are wrong.
So thankful to have the ability to reflect and grow – thanks to key people in my life that have shown me what true friendship and love looks like.
I am loved, loathed, tolerated, accepted and rejected – and all of it is ok.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Luv,
Isabella.
FML
I hate that f*****g movie.
Re-reading my posts from years gone by I have been struck by one very obvious fact.
My entire life is Groundhog Day.
And I fucking detest that movie – it creeps me out.
And it appears I have the lead role.
For fucks sake – can someone re-cast this role – I don’t wanna play no more.
Ta.
A sulking, irritated Isabella.
Photo credit: Ryan Jacob Smith
My big mouth.
Secrets escape.
Warning – long post and hopefully a laugh for someone. I am. 😁🤦🏼♀️🧐
It’s so easy to fool everyone that you’ve got it together. I recently divulged some recent thoughts and plans to my GPS of 20 years and they lovingly “dobbed” me into my psychiatrist of 12 months. I thought I had told my GP the REAL BAD thoughts.
Until I saw my psychiatrist 3 days later🤦🏼♀️. Firstly – she was horrified – “why didn’t we know?” – my response was “Look at me – no one would ever guessed – I’m always “on” and well presented” (hello shopping addiction ❤️ U).
Then she REALLY hit the big time – …”…medication ain’t gunna cut it!” she cried! “…It’s a band aid fix!!!…“
“The Drama of Gifted Child” by Alice Miller was almost ordered as mandatory reading. Then the shocker – once weekly intense therapy sessions with her … “most people need 12-18 sessions Isabella….. you …. you’re looking at intense therapy of up to 30-40 sessions!!!” and inpatient DBT therapy!!!!
“Do you have private health insurance?” she queries yet again. …. same answer – no. “Well this is my specialty and I don’t mean to be rude Isabella but I charge $300 an hour – and I don’t bulk bill or take private health insurance”. We both looked at each other – both immediately hoped that the lovely (unnamed for privacy reasons) funding will agree to pay for her …. we have decided to proceed and charge. THEN deal with them if they reject the additional costs. I love acting first apologising later!!!
As for private health insurance – I do now! Hello top private Heath insurance company- welcome to draining my savings.
THEN this little black duck went back to her GP (I ❤️ Them) and thanked her for “dobbing me in”. When I mentioned the car/garage, my GP looked majorly confoosed… spun around to her computer notes and said “I don’t remember you mentioning THAT!” That’s when I realised …… I HADN’T ACTUALLY TOLD HER THE ENTIRE “BAD” bits!!!! So essentially dobbed myself in twice. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ ****Note – Phenergan fucks me up big time****
So I threw out my Phenergan a second time in 3 weeks….
Clearly all this shit is why I was abusing substances for so long…. and a deeper me wants help not….. the other alternatives.
Lessons for me: my inner core and other internal/external drivers want to live life with peace, calm and something called happiness. At just over 3 years sober I’m smacking my forehead and saying to my lovely medical team – this is why I drank and drugged…. to avoid these memories and feelings.
This is why I’m so fucking alone in the world:
- No family – except two males I keep at text/email distance,
- close acquaintances I see every 4-6 weeks maximum 2-3 hours whom I’ve know maximum of 3-4 years,
- an erratic, beautiful fucked up guy since 2013 in/out of my life (hello Joey!)
- Nil social outings or I rotate/space out lunches or dinners or I have spurts of social engagement that drains me and leaves me vulnerable and agitated.
- No job or career aspects anymore.
- Income protection kicking in soon.
- The option of employment is out of the window for at least 12 months.
- Medicated but not a zombie.
- Hobbies include reading, new to gardening and …. online shopping.
- On bad days I lay on the couch watching the sun and clock move from morning to night so I can go to sleep.
- I see blood and death everywhere….
- I have three cats that calm me.
- l look great on the outside – even act it for a while…. guys think I’m awesome. Until they get into a relationship (I snare them quickly before they get away) and realise I am not wife material or as good as I seemed. But they’ve hung in there bless their cotton socks – coz I look good … and have other talents that I’ve refined over the years. I know my worth and skills – “a lady in the living room …. a whore in the bedroom..” 😉 Never been into casual sex – I’m too clingy. 😳🤣🤦🏼♀️
I truly believe I’ve been cursed or my soul lesson is to learn to be completely alone – everyone dies or leaves me. In my 20’s and 30’s when I had friends we would joke that everything does around me. 2013 onwards – it’s no longer a joke but reality. If I followed Buddhism faithfully, or at all, I would believe my life journey is to learn to live without attachment to people, places and things. And that’s ok.
Drinking is not an option – I refuse to die a drunk. But I haven’t ruled out euthanasia or other means …. but that’s for another day and decade hopefully.
AA program and beliefs (I don’t go to meetings anymore), other program tools, sober acquaintances and a strong belief in my Higher Powers (I’m so special I have a few 😉) a stupid internal resilience and ego keeps me alive, sober and trying to break the curse – one day at a time. Not friends, family or other social connections. Just my Drs, cats and an internal driver.
Luv,
Me
xxxx
What happened to my life?
What in hell happened.
I am standing in the ashes of my life ….. stunned and mute….
Everyone has gone – death has taken them from me – my entire family in the last 24 months have died.
My relationship is dead.
I don’t have a job anymore.
But I DO have the lovely option of studying and working as a volunteer working with people in need of the very basics – food and shelter.
So, although I am completely on my own, I am blessed. Truly blessed.
Life could be worse. Life has been worse. Life will be worse if I am not careful and take care of myself.
The story will be shown to you dear reader of this diary.
Just stick around and I will tell you in pieces.
Love, Me.
xxx
