Category Archives: Life Events

Anything for laughter in lockdown.

Good morning everyone!

Funny for the day to try to shake off the doom and gloom which is the reality for a lot of people at the moment.

Did you know that Bees sometimes sleep inside flowers, also like to sleep with other bees and hold each other’s feet.

That’s glorious love or an orgy 🧐❤️😇😂❣️❣️❣️

Story of my life – hiding away face first thinking I can’t be seen!

Are they married?

In many ways, once again, I feel fortunate and blessed during this time of world of confusion and fear. Social isolation has been my go to when I’m feeling scared, alone (not lonely), invisible, forgotten and unable to cope with life.

From a very young age, being alone, unseen and hidden has proven to be a strong safety response that I carried into adulthood. Today, to feel safe and calm, I need a quiet sanctuary of peace and security – physically yes, however emotionally more so.

As a child I used to sleep with my eyes half open – so I could watch the door or window and be prepared to run. I’ve always had an emergency exit plan, what I need to grab, which ways to run, where I could hide and what I could do to block entry to my house or room.

When I was about 8 years of age, I vividly remember having to block the wooden flimsy front door with an ironing board wedged against it and a cupboard opposite. In housing commission flats that’s as good as it got. It didn’t stop my dad from calling mum and I from the local pub – the “Collo” in the middle of the night. Waking us up, yelling that he had his kicking boots on and would be there soon. To kick the door in, then to kick mum around. The door always had a hole in it – anyone could get in.

I hate open windows to the night without blinds – you can’t see out but people can see in. I have alarms and cameras now as an adult, when I was young I had nothing. Except the time I was told to sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone kicked in the back room windows and flimsy door right beside my isolated back of the house bedroom.

So why do I feel blessed and safe today during this virus pandemic? Because I already have the skills, knowledge and experience of being completely alone in the world.

I’ve learnt to be self sufficient, to self soothe and calm myself, to accept what I cannot change.

To love my small group of carefully curated friends even when they don’t have time for me.

To accept that, yes, I am loved as a friend, however I am no-ones priority or first, second or third thought. That I’m an afterthought even in “non-COVID19” times, that an hour catch every few months is all they can spare. Which is sometimes cancelled by me due to not feeling well enough to leave the house and be vulnerable with friends. When I do force myself to go, it’s always wonderful to see them – however some days (ok most) I deflect artfully any personal questions and focus on my friend. I have realised that this has created a barrier that stops people from feeling like that can help me. Therefore I, in my fierce determination to be independent, create a circle of distance and isolation. That’s ok – we feel safe.

Being with yourself 24/7 forces you to either live well to the best of your ability, or swan dive into depression, anxiety and thoughts of ending the desolate desert you call life.

I keep timidly choosing to live well and this gives me the skills to manage in this self isolation.

Keep strong my beautiful friends. Try to find the positive in your situation.

Gratitude may be too much to strive for some days – and that’s ok.

Take this surreal life one day at a time.

One hour if that’s what it takes to get through the day.

One minute if you feel like you can’t breathe or possibly continue in this new strange and scary time.

Call your friends and family – don’t message them. They need you more than you realise – you need them more than you have realised. Hearing your voice and laughter can change sombody’s day totally around.

Trust me – I know.

Lots of luv,

Isabella.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

🦋🦋🦋🦋

The Beginning of the End or The Start of Something New?

Saturday April 21st 2016 – I went back to AA a shaking, shivering mess, huddled in my thick parka and scarf, crying and ashamed. Defeated and full of remorse and fear. The Big Book says it all, the program speaks of the alcoholic who is truly defeated and ready to admit powerlessness. With that change came a loss of all of my connections as most of them were toxic, based on shared addictions and my decision to be abstinent and sober was too confronting for most friends. I lost my best friend – alcohol – and then my minimal friendships because I finally realised I couldn’t keep doing the same old behaviours and expect positive changes.

One friend – Philly – said to me “I miss the drunk Isabella” – at the time I didn’t know what to say, yet internally I was screaming and shouting abuse. I wanted to shout, punch and pummel him with reminders of drunken calls, near fatal overdoses, falls and near death experiences. I didn’t say anything.

What I did do was cease contact with Philly who had been in my life since I was 18. Philly had been my best friend for a decade in my 20’s, in my 30’s we still had drunken, drug fuelled catch ups every couple of years. Philly who professed undying love for me, who I had called whilst overdosing and would visit me in hospital when Joey saved my arse from dying. Philly who admitted he did nothing when I called him to say goodbye, that I had taken a shit load of meds and wine – because he was home alone and too drunk to so anything to save or help me.

Philly would try to tempt me with alcohol, drugs or both. Every. Single. Time I tried to get sober. Is that friendship? Is that healthy? Is that fair? Is that love? No. That’s what addiction does to people – it fights to keep its friends close and equally unwell so that the individual does not have to face their own addictions, struggles, pain and self sabotaging choices and actions.

My desperate desire to be sober held a mirror up to my friends and showed them their own sickness – which they were not ready to accept. It was not my place to force them to see their own addictions, pain and chaos created by their addictions. And that’s ok. Some friends I distanced myself from slowly and carefully as I did not want to harm them further. Others turned on me – lashing out in anger, blaming and critising me for my new lifestyle and quiet voice of change. These friends ceased contact with me and it was explosive, painful and full of anger and arguments – recriminations and judgements from both sides. I had yet to learn to avoid or cease the toxic patterns of our friendships or relationship – something I still struggle with today.

Yet here I am – still sober, with a small group of strong healthy friends who only want the best for me. I now seek healthy, balanced company. I seem to be almost “adopted” by people who see something in me that they like. I question their desire to be my friend – are they crazy? Do they pity me? What do they think I can give them in return for their amazing qualities, support and friendship? Are they nuts???

I am slowly learning to accept that others see something in me I do not yet fully see or own. I observe their healthy choices, listen to their love of excercise, healthy eating and gardening, gigs, music festivals, travel (NO girls I am never going to be into excercise like you – that’s where I draw the line!!!!) and, occasionally I ask for advice and act on it.

The only changes I should be focusing on is that of my own choices and life – other peoples lives are their own business. Until their choices and actions impact me – THEN it’s my business up to a point.

In summary –

Luv,

Me.

Isabella.

FML

Re-reading my posts from years gone by I have been struck by one very obvious fact.

My entire life is Groundhog Day.

And I fucking detest that movie – it creeps me out.

And it appears I have the lead role.

For fucks sake – can someone re-cast this role – I don’t wanna play no more.

Ta.

A sulking, irritated Isabella.

Photo credit: Ryan Jacob Smith
Fuck My Life

Joey – The Boy Inside the Man

2013 – in reflection – was the start of the end …. although it could be argued that either the years 2011 or 2012 have equal rights to this dubious accolade.

You see, 2013 was the year that Joey entered my life – I believe somewhere around May – via an online dating app that my ego was burnt on. My ego was so deflated and ashamed that Joey was the only person I spoke to and met up with.

Text messages and emails soon led to phone calls – what Joey did not know, nor did I wish him to, was that I was always drunk when we communicated. Even over the phone – surely I slurred my words after two bottles of wine on a week night??

Finally, after a week (I know – I played very hard to get) we met up in person in a bar of my choice in the city centre. Coz – you know – safety first. That date went for eight hours – lunch, drinks and dinner. During this boozy time I felt myself drawn to him – on reflection – he played me from day one. But I was completely unaware. I was too busy thinking – oh wow! I am dateable, desirable, funny and everything that my newly ex-partner told me I wasn’t! Joey laughed at my increasingly drunken jokes, showed a sensitive side, gazed into my eyes and for the first time in years, I felt like the only woman alive in the world. Because Joey was only focused on me.

Two short dates later and I invited him into bed with the romantic, classy invitation of “So are you going to take me home and fuck me?”. After a short, stunned pause Joey immediately grabbed the bill and we were out of the there and he was in!

Ohhhhh boy was he in. We spent the remainder of the weekend in bed – only getting up for showers and alcohol – no food that I recall. Highly doubtful as by this time I was living my own life in a gorgeous apartment in a trendy suburb and white or red wine, sparkling wine and bar food was my food of choice. The cupboards were bare – although I recall him eating Skittles sourced from somewhere. Recollections are hazy as – you know – I spent the entire time drunk, having the most glorious sex of my life and sleeping – in that order.

That weekend soon led to every weekend with Joey in bed, bars and alcohol. We got on so well that we wondered why waste time? Why not have access to each other 24/7 and have Joey move in immediately.

So that is what we did – Joey moved in – officially eight weeks after our first date. July was not only the start of the new financial year – it was the start of the most tumultuous, passionate, fucked up relationship I have ever had. I know right???? Again – I do play hard to get. Safety first – never invite a stranger into your home on the first date – which I didn’t. So there. I was safe.

What I didn’t know was that Joey was a daily dope smoker – I did know he was just finishing a private investigator qualification and he was a casual/part-time actor which meant he had no daily commitments. Joey would wave goodbye to me from my newly purchased bed, using my brand new couch and TV in my gorgeous apartment while I went to my highly paid Management job. Monday to Friday – 8am to 6pm – I worked and he did what he pleased in my apartment. Great Gig for Joey!!! I have suspicions that he wasn’t alone every day …… the lying and doubts started immediately.

What Joey did not know when he moved in was that I was a failed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) member from 2011 and 2012 – therefore I was an active alcoholic in every manner.

Oh well. All is fair in love and war.

Within a couple of weeks, I was silently acknowledging to my alcohol addled self that ….. yes ….. I was dating my father – figuratively speaking of course. And….well…… Joey had some problems – and they were not caused by me. Well not at that time anyway.

Joey was – and still is – an incredible lover, sensitive and intellectual – all that dope smoking during the day and WarCraft while I am at work meant that he was ready for me at all times.

I saw not only my father in his past, I saw the boy in the man and I fell madly, deeply and passionately in love with him. I could not tear myself apart from him – so much so that I ended up getting myself retrenched in September – great! Not a problem! I too will go on Government benefits – just like Joey – and we can have daily sex, drugs and alcohol – what a life I threw myself into.

Yep. As I said – 2013 was the start of the end of my life as a respectable career woman and the start of an abusive, explosive and unemployed few years of my life – to date.

I am proud to announce that I am now, again, unemployed, occasionally having amazing sex with Joey and our relationship is still as fucked up as it was in 2013.

Don’t worry – I will fill in the gaps soon – my life over the last 7 years has resembled The Shining, Forrest Gump and – as a (now ex) close friend said – the worlds greatest train wreck ever seen – if not in comparison to the explosion of Earth.

Luv,

Isabella

xxx

My big mouth.

Warning – long post and hopefully a laugh for someone. I am. 😁🤦🏼‍♀️🧐

It’s so easy to fool everyone that you’ve got it together. I recently divulged some recent thoughts and plans to my GPS of 20 years and they lovingly “dobbed” me into my psychiatrist of 12 months. I thought I had told my GP the REAL BAD thoughts.

Until I saw my psychiatrist 3 days later🤦🏼‍♀️. Firstly – she was horrified – “why didn’t we know?” – my response was “Look at me – no one would ever guessed – I’m always “on” and well presented” (hello shopping addiction ❤️ U).

Then she REALLY hit the big time – …”…medication ain’t gunna cut it!” she cried! “…It’s a band aid fix!!!…“

“The Drama of Gifted Child” by Alice Miller was almost ordered as mandatory reading. Then the shocker – once weekly intense therapy sessions with her … “most people need 12-18 sessions Isabella….. you …. you’re looking at intense therapy of up to 30-40 sessions!!!” and inpatient DBT therapy!!!!

“Do you have private health insurance?” she queries yet again. …. same answer – no. “Well this is my specialty and I don’t mean to be rude Isabella but I charge $300 an hour – and I don’t bulk bill or take private health insurance”. We both looked at each other – both immediately hoped that the lovely (unnamed for privacy reasons) funding will agree to pay for her …. we have decided to proceed and charge. THEN deal with them if they reject the additional costs. I love acting first apologising later!!!

As for private health insurance – I do now! Hello top private Heath insurance company- welcome to draining my savings.

THEN this little black duck went back to her GP (I ❤️ Them) and thanked her for “dobbing me in”. When I mentioned the car/garage, my GP looked majorly confoosed… spun around to her computer notes and said “I don’t remember you mentioning THAT!” That’s when I realised …… I HADN’T ACTUALLY TOLD HER THE ENTIRE “BAD” bits!!!! So essentially dobbed myself in twice. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ ****Note – Phenergan fucks me up big time****

So I threw out my Phenergan a second time in 3 weeks….

Clearly all this shit is why I was abusing substances for so long…. and a deeper me wants help not….. the other alternatives.

Lessons for me: my inner core and other internal/external drivers want to live life with peace, calm and something called happiness. At just over 3 years sober I’m smacking my forehead and saying to my lovely medical team – this is why I drank and drugged…. to avoid these memories and feelings.

This is why I’m so fucking alone in the world:

    No family – except two males I keep at text/email distance,
    close acquaintances I see every 4-6 weeks maximum 2-3 hours whom I’ve know maximum of 3-4 years,
    an erratic, beautiful fucked up guy since 2013 in/out of my life (hello Joey!)
    Nil social outings or I rotate/space out lunches or dinners or I have spurts of social engagement that drains me and leaves me vulnerable and agitated.
    No job or career aspects anymore.
    Income protection kicking in soon.
    The option of employment is out of the window for at least 12 months.
    Medicated but not a zombie.
    Hobbies include reading, new to gardening and …. online shopping.
    On bad days I lay on the couch watching the sun and clock move from morning to night so I can go to sleep.
    I see blood and death everywhere….
    I have three cats that calm me.
    l look great on the outside – even act it for a while…. guys think I’m awesome. Until they get into a relationship (I snare them quickly before they get away) and realise I am not wife material or as good as I seemed. But they’ve hung in there bless their cotton socks – coz I look good … and have other talents that I’ve refined over the years. I know my worth and skills – “a lady in the living room …. a whore in the bedroom..” 😉 Never been into casual sex – I’m too clingy. 😳🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

I truly believe I’ve been cursed or my soul lesson is to learn to be completely alone – everyone dies or leaves me. In my 20’s and 30’s when I had friends we would joke that everything does around me. 2013 onwards – it’s no longer a joke but reality. If I followed Buddhism faithfully, or at all, I would believe my life journey is to learn to live without attachment to people, places and things. And that’s ok.

Drinking is not an option – I refuse to die a drunk. But I haven’t ruled out euthanasia or other means …. but that’s for another day and decade hopefully.

AA program and beliefs (I don’t go to meetings anymore), other program tools, sober acquaintances and a strong belief in my Higher Powers (I’m so special I have a few 😉) a stupid internal resilience and ego keeps me alive, sober and trying to break the curse – one day at a time. Not friends, family or other social connections. Just my Drs, cats and an internal driver.

Luv,

Me

xxxx

2019 – Unfathomable Life Events

This wonderfully accurate drawing by Red Howling is the month of August’s featured cartoon in my Pets of the Homeless Australia calendar.

Both are Australian companies who passionately, and creatively, work to engage and support our vulnerable members of our society.

In turn, this sums up my year to date.

I have posts that I have not made public on this blog – will do so over the next few weeks.

Fair to say that 2019 is nothing like I expected, I am in a strange but safe place in life.

Christmas Eve I felt my self snap – I simply broke inside – my ability to bounce back, my spark, my life force was snuffed out. Since then I’ve declined rapidly, despite extensive and increased professional medical support and therapy.

I again find myself unemployed, unemployable and without the ability to even think of work – this has never happened to me before. I’ve always been a worker and thrown myself into jobs, careers and education to re-create myself. Driven by money, sense of self through profession and need to be needed – dreaming of work, working 50 – 60 hour weeks, 7 days a week. Starting at 6.30 in the morning and leaving at 6 pm at night to do more work.

I’ve burnt out, been burned professionally and lost trust, hope and faith in the corporate world.

Since the start of May, I haven’t worked and will not be returning to work again in the foreseeable future. I cannot even manage minimal tasks without sensory overload, I’ve reverted back to old behaviours which I try to keep in check.

The remainder of 2019 remains a mystery – one thing I do know is that I cannot even think of working or studying – I have an internal meltdown. Apparently I have a huge amount of therapy and work on myself that I cannot even fathom the enormity of what I’ve hidden for so many years.

To sum it up, my house, garden and cats are my safe haven for now and I keep stimulus to a minimum to the best of my ability.

My plan is to write, undertake therapy and nurture self through gardening indoor and outdoor plants and gardens and seek minimal communication with friends. It’s all too overwhelming.

Yet, I am safe, calm in this very second, and know that I have done the best I can.

Speak soon.

Love,

Me.

Isabella.

xxxxx