Warning – long post and hopefully a laugh for someone. I am. 😁🤦🏼♀️🧐
It’s so easy to fool everyone that you’ve got it together. I recently divulged some recent thoughts and plans to my GPS of 20 years and they lovingly “dobbed” me into my psychiatrist of 12 months. I thought I had told my GP the REAL BAD thoughts.
Until I saw my psychiatrist 3 days later🤦🏼♀️. Firstly – she was horrified – “why didn’t we know?” – my response was “Look at me – no one would ever guessed – I’m always “on” and well presented” (hello shopping addiction ❤️ U).
Then she REALLY hit the big time – …”…medication ain’t gunna cut it!” she cried! “…It’s a band aid fix!!!…“
“The Drama of Gifted Child” by Alice Miller was almost ordered as mandatory reading. Then the shocker – once weekly intense therapy sessions with her … “most people need 12-18 sessions Isabella….. you …. you’re looking at intense therapy of up to 30-40 sessions!!!” and inpatient DBT therapy!!!!
“Do you have private health insurance?” she queries yet again. …. same answer – no. “Well this is my specialty and I don’t mean to be rude Isabella but I charge $300 an hour – and I don’t bulk bill or take private health insurance”. We both looked at each other – both immediately hoped that the lovely (unnamed for privacy reasons) funding will agree to pay for her …. we have decided to proceed and charge. THEN deal with them if they reject the additional costs. I love acting first apologising later!!!
As for private health insurance – I do now! Hello top private Heath insurance company- welcome to draining my savings.
THEN this little black duck went back to her GP (I ❤️ Them) and thanked her for “dobbing me in”. When I mentioned the car/garage, my GP looked majorly confoosed… spun around to her computer notes and said “I don’t remember you mentioning THAT!” That’s when I realised …… I HADN’T ACTUALLY TOLD HER THE ENTIRE “BAD” bits!!!! So essentially dobbed myself in twice. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ ****Note – Phenergan fucks me up big time****
So I threw out my Phenergan a second time in 3 weeks….
Clearly all this shit is why I was abusing substances for so long…. and a deeper me wants help not….. the other alternatives.
Lessons for me: my inner core and other internal/external drivers want to live life with peace, calm and something called happiness. At just over 3 years sober I’m smacking my forehead and saying to my lovely medical team – this is why I drank and drugged…. to avoid these memories and feelings.
This is why I’m so fucking alone in the world:
No family – except two males I keep at text/email distance,
close acquaintances I see every 4-6 weeks maximum 2-3 hours whom I’ve know maximum of 3-4 years,
an erratic, beautiful fucked up guy since 2013 in/out of my life (hello Joey!)
Nil social outings or I rotate/space out lunches or dinners or I have spurts of social engagement that drains me and leaves me vulnerable and agitated.
No job or career aspects anymore.
Income protection kicking in soon.
The option of employment is out of the window for at least 12 months.
Medicated but not a zombie.
Hobbies include reading, new to gardening and …. online shopping.
On bad days I lay on the couch watching the sun and clock move from morning to night so I can go to sleep.
I see blood and death everywhere….
I have three cats that calm me.
l look great on the outside – even act it for a while…. guys think I’m awesome. Until they get into a relationship (I snare them quickly before they get away) and realise I am not wife material or as good as I seemed. But they’ve hung in there bless their cotton socks – coz I look good … and have other talents that I’ve refined over the years. I know my worth and skills – “a lady in the living room …. a whore in the bedroom..” 😉 Never been into casual sex – I’m too clingy. 😳🤣🤦🏼♀️
I truly believe I’ve been cursed or my soul lesson is to learn to be completely alone – everyone dies or leaves me. In my 20’s and 30’s when I had friends we would joke that everything does around me. 2013 onwards – it’s no longer a joke but reality. If I followed Buddhism faithfully, or at all, I would believe my life journey is to learn to live without attachment to people, places and things. And that’s ok.
Drinking is not an option – I refuse to die a drunk. But I haven’t ruled out euthanasia or other means …. but that’s for another day and decade hopefully.
AA program and beliefs (I don’t go to meetings anymore), other program tools, sober acquaintances and a strong belief in my Higher Powers (I’m so special I have a few 😉) a stupid internal resilience and ego keeps me alive, sober and trying to break the curse – one day at a time. Not friends, family or other social connections. Just my Drs, cats and an internal driver.
Both are Australian companies who passionately, and creatively, work to engage and support our vulnerable members of our society.
In turn, this sums up my year to date.
I have posts that I have not made public on this blog – will do so over the next few weeks.
Fair to say that 2019 is nothing like I expected, I am in a strange but safe place in life.
Christmas Eve I felt my self snap – I simply broke inside – my ability to bounce back, my spark, my life force was snuffed out. Since then I’ve declined rapidly, despite extensive and increased professional medical support and therapy.
I again find myself unemployed, unemployable and without the ability to even think of work – this has never happened to me before. I’ve always been a worker and thrown myself into jobs, careers and education to re-create myself. Driven by money, sense of self through profession and need to be needed – dreaming of work, working 50 – 60 hour weeks, 7 days a week. Starting at 6.30 in the morning and leaving at 6 pm at night to do more work.
I’ve burnt out, been burned professionally and lost trust, hope and faith in the corporate world.
Since the start of May, I haven’t worked and will not be returning to work again in the foreseeable future. I cannot even manage minimal tasks without sensory overload, I’ve reverted back to old behaviours which I try to keep in check.
The remainder of 2019 remains a mystery – one thing I do know is that I cannot even think of working or studying – I have an internal meltdown. Apparently I have a huge amount of therapy and work on myself that I cannot even fathom the enormity of what I’ve hidden for so many years.
To sum it up, my house, garden and cats are my safe haven for now and I keep stimulus to a minimum to the best of my ability.
My plan is to write, undertake therapy and nurture self through gardening indoor and outdoor plants and gardens and seek minimal communication with friends. It’s all too overwhelming.
Yet, I am safe, calm in this very second, and know that I have done the best I can.
No wonder I have lost 3kgs, although I don’t seem to have saved money … but have bought a few new clothes – nothing unusual.
It’s been rocky in many ways, except for the cravings for a drink – they are non-existant 98% of the time. It’s just the other shit that I have to deal with, which makes me closer to normal than ever before.
** This is based on approximately 3.5 drinks a day which would be absolutely right. At $5.00 per glass.