When will you learn?
When will they learn?
The only person they are killing is me.
Ok. I am ready.
WE are ready.
WE have a confession to make ….
In 2020 I, WE, came clean with ourselves, some chosen friends and our therapists.
Yes therapists – plural.
1 Psychiatrist (known for less than a year).
2 GP’s (known for 20 years).
1 Psychologist (known for 8 years).
In 2019 I had a complete and utter breakdown starting October 2019, worse December 2019 and full blown by May 2019.
The whys and whats will slowly come out in time – I promise.
There is a LOT that has happened in the last decade that needs multiple posts. But for now I need to share something really quickly.
One fine sunny Sunday afternoon in 2020 I/we finally asked a friend if they ever had multiple voices in their head – arguing, fighting and debating multiple points in their head. All with different voices, talking over each other and not agreeing on one point.
That Sunday had been particularly bad – we had been at the supermarket and the people in my head were arguing over and over again. I was distressed, crying and utterly, utterly exhausted. So I asked Nancy to come over – something I had never done before.
Over tea and biscuits we were chatting away when I asked her the scary question – “Do you ever argue with yourself in your head?”. She hesitated and said … “Nooooo…. not really…. I debate situations but not argue….”. That wasn’t enough for me .. So I continued and asked does she have MULTIPLE people or voices in her head arguing different viewpoints of one subject in her head … at the SAME time.
Nancy was lovely. She paused. Considered her answer carefully and said, again, “…Noooo….”
I sagged visibly.
I was afraid of this.
I knew finally I couldn’t hide from it anymore.
I ALWAYS had multiple PEOPLE talking, arguing, crying and even screaming in my head – and that was the best of it – most of the time they were YELLING AT ME. Calling ME names. Telling ME OFF for something I had or hadn’t done.
So what does this mean?
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder…. DID….old school Multiple Personalities.
I have multiple personalities that live inside of me – that are separate to me – they are not even me.
Not even this blog is me.
This blog is Isabella’s domain.
This isn’t Isabella writing this – crazy huh?
Isabella will come back and write – this is her domain, her blog.
But for now you are stuck with me.
Stuck with my boring stories, my boring life and my boring writing.
Isabella is the creative individual who loves to party, let loose and go wild. You may recognize some of her adventures and her voice. Certainly her and Kat are the fun ones … you haven’t met Kat yet .. but you will.
Lots of luv,
Where on earth to start?
It’s been so long since I gave this site any proper love and we are feeling it. We need this site to get things out, to expose and expunge. Yet we have been reticent in doing so – nay – avoiding it, hating ourselves for not using this site. It has been so good to us.
Having feedback from others has been a tonic to my ills.
Knowing someone listens has kept the dream alive of writing.
So I am sorry poor website/blog/diary – friend. For you are more than any of those labels – you are a friend. A friend that I have neglected and missed dearly.
I have said it before, and I will have to say it again.
I. Am. Back.
This time in a new space, renewed life – one that was totally unimaginable to me. My life now is nothing like I had ever imagined it to be. AA had promised a life beyond my wildest dreams if I just did not pick up that first drink. (perhaps not in those terms). And I haven’t.
I am still sober as of the 21st April 2016 – close to six years sober! Incredible.
And whilst my life now is beyond my wildest dreams, I have fought hard, worked hard and played hard to get where I am. And Where I Am is not everyone’s ideal scenario – or mine if I am honest. But it is the best place I have ever been in many ways. I am so lucky and fortunate.
If anyone had told me I would have ended up in psych wards sober – I would have laughed.
If anyone had told me I would end up not working since May 2019 for the foreseeable future – I would have scoffed – Never.
If anyone had told me I would tell my biggest secret to people – I would have still denied the secret.
If anyone had told me I would be helping to raise a 17 year old – I would have never been able to envision it.
If anyone had told me I would end up in a loving, healthy supportive relationship – I would have thought they were lying.
Yet all of that has happened – and more.
I have been diagnosed, monitored, treated, supported, loved, have lost many but gained a few.
I have a life beyond my wildest dreams yet it is the quietest life I have ever led.
I am not working – unable to work.
I have no family – they all passed away on me.
I am not ‘mentally well’ – yet I am the best I have ever been.
I have not been writing – yet there are numerous stories in my head.
I am one – but one of many.
I am me – yet do not know who I am – still.
That’s enough for today dear one.
Lots of Love
Nothing more to add.