Tag Archives: lonely

I Wish

I knew I hadn’t scratched the surface of who you were. It was unspoken about. Off bounds. But your choices spoke volumes to me.

I just couldn’t reach you to hold you tight. Instead you self medicated and I yelled. Screamed. Sobbed every day thinking and knowing I’d lose you too soon.

Well too soon for me. Not soon enough for you.

I struggle – was my ego the right choice in keeping you alive? I sometimes regret it.

I know I’ll never try to control anyone ever again.

I can’t bring you back snd it kills me.

I can’t ask anyone about you because they too are dead.

I feel you around me, see you. I love you and miss you.

I cannot get off this ride of grief, loss and loneliness.




I have truly lost everything

Everything and everyone has gone.

I am now trying to rebuild everything.

Job. Career. Study. Friends. Life. Health.

I lost my mum, my beautiful mum nearly six months ago.

It is only now that I have started living again – some days I truly did not know how life could start being good again. Or if I wanted it to.

Since mum died, I lost my purpose, my reason and desire to do anything or to achieve anything other than getting out of bed … I was lucky to have a shower.

Now. I have finally gotten a job, in the welfare sector that I love.

I am starting to find me for the first time in 40 years.

All because I lost her.

What happened to my life?

What in hell happened.

I am standing in the ashes of my life ….. stunned and mute….

Everyone has gone – death has taken them from me – my entire family in the last 24 months have died.

My relationship is dead.

I don’t have a job anymore.

But I DO have the lovely option of studying and working as a volunteer working with people in need of the very basics – food and shelter.

So, although I am completely on my own, I am blessed. Truly blessed.

Life could be worse. Life has been worse. Life will be worse if I am not careful and take care of myself.

The story will be shown to you dear reader of this diary.

Just stick around and I will tell you in pieces.

Love, Me.