I knew I hadn’t scratched the surface of who you were. It was unspoken about. Off bounds. But your choices spoke volumes to me.
I just couldn’t reach you to hold you tight. Instead you self medicated and I yelled. Screamed. Sobbed every day thinking and knowing I’d lose you too soon.
Well too soon for me. Not soon enough for you.
I struggle – was my ego the right choice in keeping you alive? I sometimes regret it.
I know I’ll never try to control anyone ever again.
I can’t bring you back snd it kills me.
I can’t ask anyone about you because they too are dead.
I feel you around me, see you. I love you and miss you.
I cannot get off this ride of grief, loss and loneliness.
I lost my mum, my beautiful mum nearly six months ago.
It is only now that I have started living again – some days I truly did not know how life could start being good again. Or if I wanted it to.
Since mum died, I lost my purpose, my reason and desire to do anything or to achieve anything other than getting out of bed … I was lucky to have a shower.
Now. I have finally gotten a job, in the welfare sector that I love.
I am starting to find me for the first time in 40 years.
