Such an emotional day today – from the pits of despair one minute to a sense of safety and comfort 30 minutes later.
Where to start?
I had three things on mind this morning that were creating great anxiety and stress which I kept on praying and reminding myself that everything would look different by this time next week.
So – quick wrap up.
Last night I told The Boy how upset I was about him going to the strip club and how betrayed I felt – it didn’t go down exceptionally well, but at least I said something. Still felt emotionally scarred and hurt, however I told him.
Today I met with The Manager and, although the two hour meeting was not pleasant, and tears were cried (a little), we are both on the same page, and nothing was really a surprise. What was clear is that I am starting to face the mess that my drinking has caused – the unmanageability of my life and the consequences of my actions. Painful but OK.
THEN (yep) the day isn’t over yet – I met my sponsor and spewed out all of my thoughts and feelings, did Step Three and am now on Step Four. Am I proud, pleased and amazed? Yes I am. I am also incredibly thankful for AA, for my Sponsor and my friends that I have made in AA – of which I have gained great strength from.
After walking out of my Sponsors apartment, I called my budding Kitty Kat, who has 40+ days sober and was struggling. Bad news. She had fucked up on some medication which took her straight back to Day 1 which then prompted the evil addiction of alcoholism to dig it’s claws into her tender flesh. She is drinking whilst I type and we are texting each other. I am so sad for her, but safe in my own sobriety – my sobriety comes first. Yet I refuse to not be there for someone in need and as long as she answers my texts I will be there for her supporting her. Dear sweet girl. I know something of where she is right now and I can only be there when/if she comes back. Never turn my back on her but never lose sight of my own safety.
So, I then went home to my sick Boy and hugged him and shared some good feelings and love. My gorgeous little girl Sparkles begged me for a ‘mummy’ walk – her 3rd for the day – so I invited The Boy and we went for a walk. And counted my blessings and shared my story about Kitty Kat with The Boy as a demonstration of how easy it is to fall down.
I can now reflect on the day, give thanks for all of my lessons I have been taught today and in the recent past.
I am blessed each day I am sober and each day I am given another day to make amends by following Gods will.
So in eight hours I went from:
To this:
To being blessed because of this:
Isabella.
xxxx