Well, as you know, I was not having a great afternoon and it only got worse. The cravings were really strong, my liver was screaming out for a glass of chilled, sav blanc to soothe the tension and stress that it was feeling. It was a physical sensation – quite separate from my mind. It is an extremely weird sensation – your mind is saying NO and your body is screaming for something.
Usually my liver is throbbing trying to flush out the alcohol, or toxins, that I had poured into its sensitive little chamber – literally throbbing and pulsating. When I am hung over, I can literally FEEL the cold water hitting it and soothing the little fucker. Likewise when I have a glass of cold white wine, it instantly hits my liver and, again, soothes the savage beast, lulling it into a sense of calm and peace…..until I stop drinking for the night or day.
If you are into visualization, I feel like I have a little green gremlin in my liver that screams, shouts and jumps up and down for a white wine, or sparkling champagne, then once he has gorged himself, he lays down, opens his mouth and just lets the alcohol pour down into his fat little stomach. That’s all I hear from him. Until the next morning when he is dragging himself across the floor moaning ….. “Water, Water … wine … ANYTHING cold – I need to cool down, I am burning UPPPPP”.
Then it takes the fat little gremlin a day and night to brush himself down, get back on his feet and start stomping, shaking the bars of his cell demanding feeding again – WINE, CHAMPAGNE – ANYTHING!!!!
So that is where my addiction sits. In my liver. The gremlin has a lot of strength and power over my body and mind – although my mind is in cahoots as well sometimes. I can go into a fugue state, where I am not able to think, I just walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink – even though I am screaming at myself to stop.
So. How did I get I get over this afternoons really bad cravings? I nearly didn’t. But I imagined tomorrow morning and not fronting up to the meeting, not being able to meet with my new sponsor and having to start all over again. Go through the last 3 days again????? No way. Not at the moment thank you.
So I went to a meeting that I had never been to before – full of young, old, gorgeous, glowing people with 20+ years to 2-3 days like me. It really eased my cravings which is bizarre – really bizarre. Once I had somewhere to go, and people to talk to about my issue (not that I spoke too much), the cravings eased and I had a sense of calm.
Then, another danger zone – Friday night, party night. Luckily, as The Boy is away for 3 weeks, I had arranged to meet up with a friend to go for a walk around the local seaside suburb I live in, have some dinner, fresh air and conversation. Which is what I did – plus a 15 min should/neck massage which really eased the tension of the day and after two hours walking, talking and looking at the sights, I was home at 10pm, showered and relaxed.
Safe and Sober.
Almost a miracle.
What it has shown me is that you have to put the effort in and make a choice about doing something different from drinking.
Now. Change of scenery.
So The Boy and I haven’t seen each other for nearly two weeks due to work and him taking off to another state for a holiday followed by work next week. I have taken to calling him to let him know how I am tracking – particularly if I am having a shitty time as he needs to know.
But. He is out drinking with his mates – who I know are alcoholics, and I know he will end up drunk tonight and he has already started sex – texting me. The last time he did it full on, he had been out with his mates, in another state, yet another mini holiday, and he had been to a strip club. I am really trying not to feel resentful, and think I am succeeding, however where is the empathy? Would I call him drunk if the situation was reversed? Would I rub it in his face if he were the one trying to stop drinking for good? No. I wouldn’t. I would support as much as I could.
A friend said to me that I do need to stop as he has a feeling that if I don’t stop drinking my life will come crashing down. At my lowest ebb, I get really depressed thinking that if The Boy and I were to break up – particularly due to my drinking – I wouldn’t cope and that would be the end of me.
However, even the last 1 1/2 weeks, I have really enjoyed the time alone – even though I have gotten smashed a lot, I have enjoyed the freedom, quiet and the ability to do what I want and when I want. I feel like I am free and me.
I hope this continues this sobriety thing – I am just in the infant stages, however I am trying and I know the alternative.
But the flip side is, that if The Boy and I were to split up ……… as long as it was not to do with my drinking binges …. I think I would be ok.
Anyway.
Enough for tonight.
Isabella.
xx