Birthday present!
Lots of luv,
Me
xxxxx
I’m 5!
Drowning Not Waving – Elegantly Falling
Help
Lost, alone, don’t recognise me, don’t recognise you, don’t recognise anyone.
All I can do is keep moving, organising, dodging the bullets, avoiding reality, the knowledge erupting from the deepest core of my being.
Feeling nothing, feeling everything, feeling wrong, feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling completely and utterly alone and, yes, lonely. No drugs to dull the pain, to send me into blissful numbness – scared of losing a day, an hour, a minute. Yet I continue to lose track of days, reality and facts – leaving me more vulnerable to the black crows of death.
I was the secret keeper – so good at my job that I have even hidden them from me. But they are there, making their presence known, stirring themselves awake, slowly moving and growing bigger. They are tired of being bound to silence, to coffins full of dirt, to the very darkness that was once a safe place. The secrets threaten to destroy the very essence of this body, we are hanging on by the tips of our fingernails, slowly sliding down the cliff, nails ripped off, bleeding, unable to claw our way back up or to stop the fall.
Elegantly falling.
Falling so silently – no one hears my screams, my cries of agony and loneliness. I’ve never been heard or saved – only pushed over the edge to be “caught” by the very person who pushed me to my limits.
I have nothing more to give. Nothing more to stop my world crumbling into the abyss. I yearn to curl up into a ball, screaming into my arms, crying until I have no more tears left until tomorrow. I need a safe place to fall apart – I’m not sure I’ll make it out alive.
The darkness within is unknown, yet felt deeply and painfully, with glimpses into the past horrors I cannot believe exist. The surreal feeling of being damaged, toxic goods, never good enough, easy to leave and being left constantly. My only consistent companions are the secret keepers and those that protect us – even when they hurt us.
We are screaming for help, yet requesting it quietly, with dignity, purpose and focus. As long as we continue to look like we are functioning we are ok. Yet the strength and energy required to keep up the facade has taken its toll – I am a husk, a shell of a person. Never been whole.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, a circus of merry-go-rounds that I don’t want to be on, rides I cannot get off, tunnels of pain, laughter, confusion and distorted mirrors. Is the light real? Or a kaleidoscope of images that lead nowhere except down the rabbit hole.
I may see you in the morning.
I may not.
Lots of luv,
Me.
Isabella.
xxxxxxxxx
Mazzy Starr – Into Dust (saddest song ever)
HellKat
Twins with Isabella. Attitude. Fuck you cunt. But god she’s a blast. You always know HellKat is nearby – her distinctive gravelly voice and laugh sounds more like a phone sex worker. And she knows it.
When HellKat is let loose she lashes out with intent to maim.
Angry texts.
Screaming.
Tantrums.
Yelling.
Fighting.
Stabbing.
Knives and forks in cheeks
C’mon cunt. Bring it on.
HellKat is the same age as Isabella – 15 or 17? It’s unclear – but does it matter? They are both wise beyond their years and street smart. Always have each other’s back even when they intentionally through each other under the bus.
Survival of the fittest.
One day recently HellKat had a major aggressive rant, smashing things, calling the cutter names (HellKat hates the cutter. It took three of us to calm her on the therapy pod but she still managed to kick out. Hit out. Spit and hiss. She’s been triggered. – but we can’t remember why – oh that’s tight a long text to “x” when none of us wanted to send it.
Finally settled down with pink cashmere blanket wrapped around her on the special bean bag. We are still watching and wary but we know that she’s lost her spirit and can’t be fucked anymore.
For this hour or day or week she has nothing left to do. Nothing left to fight for, to keep safe because we are safe.
She hates the littlies coz they make her too vulnerable and no ones going to see her soft side.
She’s twins with Isabella- but where is she?
We keep losing time and vision.
The past is being shoved into the light regardless I’d we are safe to deal with the memories. So to cope we shut out and down.
Isabella is not even allowed to write a lot in her diary.
So Simple It Hurt
So Simple It Hurt.
In the blink of an eye it was over.
Almost before it had begun.
The Beginning
I see you.
You see me.
I love you.
You love me.
The End
You see me.
I see you.
You lose me.
I lose you.
.
.
.
.
.
Happily.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
.
.
.
.
.
So Simple It Hurt.
In the blink of an eye it was over.
Almost before it had begun.
You know this is you and it’s true.
But.
I lied when I said I loved you.
I needed you to hurt me.
If I hurt I wasn’t dead.
Wasn’t invisible.
You were my escape into numbness.
Through you I self harmed.
You thought I was charmed by you.
I was always aware of your repulsive behaviour.
You allowed me to sink lower than ever before.
Pushing my head down when I tried to reach the surface and breathe.
I nearly drowned many times.
Drowning not waving.
You’d save me at the very last minute and I hated you.
But not as much as I hated myself.
Luv,
Me.
Isabella
xxxxx
Bewildering Alone
Bewilderingly Alone.
Link- https://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-ive-learned-since-my-years-feeling-stuck-and-unlovable/
Life guarantees that things will go wrong and we’ll get hurt. Sometimes in those moments, we freeze or panic. The lesson that my father taught me is, when those things happen, get calm, breathe—and OPEN THE DOOR.
One minute you belonged to something—be it healthy or dysfunctional, it’s your tribe, your family—and the next minute, it’s taken away. You’re suddenly, unexpectedly, bewilderedly alone.
After losing my dad as a child, I felt alone. Now I truly was lost. All my family had left me behind.
Life lesson- lesson again: I just had to open the door and let love in, from others and myself.
To the next generation of Wayward Brothers and Sisters, or anybody who feels lost or stuck, here is what I have learned along the way. I hope it helps you.
- Good people make bad decisions; that doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes it a bad decision.
- Forgive easily and often, others and especially yourself. I enjoy an amazing relationship with my mother today. Refer to rule number 1.
- You are not broken, and therefore do not need “fixing.” You are perfect, just the way you are. Just as Cane pointed out, I was worth loving. And so are you!
- Life rewards the brave, so be brave. Take a chance, on yourself and others. It would have been extremely easy to sink into a hole and let my life go sideways and blame others for it. Bravery is choosing not to be a victim of your circumstances and instead, proactively create your life.
- Love yourself first with all your heart and be your own best friend. Those around you will benefit.
- Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. They have the right to an opinion, but you also have the right to choose to not believe it. Life told me I was unlovable. Cane proved them wrong.
- Happiness is a choice, not a place, thing, moment, or a person. Only you can make you happy.
- Everything happens for a reason, so figure out why. There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.
- Lastly, and most importantly, OPEN THE DOOR AND SET YOURSELF FREE!