Unfathomable Life

Swan dive into the abyss of depression. 

Let go of the tenacious hold of sanity.

Release the strict structures around normality and dissolve into the warm comfort of neurosis.  

Free my soul from striving to be different, to be normal and in control. I want to collapse into oblivion, not have to hold up the heavy weight of responsibility. I want to stop living, I want the world to stop, just for a while, so my mind can be still and peaceful. 

I need to stop the constant invasion of my senses, protect myself from societies requirement to be presentable. It’s tiring. I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hold it up. 

I feel like my brain is going to snap. 

Should do this, should do that. Could do this could do that. Why haven’t you? Why didn’t you? Constantly judged, assessed, failing. 

My weaknesses are all to apparent.

I am a weak little girl who wants to run and hide from this adult world. I’m always frightened that the little girl will be exposed. That I will be discovered as the sham I am. I’m only pretending to be together – inside I’m crumbling.  

Crumbling, allying and always catching myself. 

All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and never wake up. 

I have no energy, no capacity to think of anything else, get excited or plan the future. 

There is little that excites me.  Little that I excite. 

I am a boring little bird. 

A little bird that wants to stay in her nest and never grow up or grow out.  

I fully believe that I must be excruciatingly honest with myself and select others if I want a better life.

That the only way to save myself is to acknowledge the good, the bad and the ugly.

I am an alcoholic. My body reacts to alcohol as if I am allergic to it – I start disappearing with the first sip.

I become a ghost – watching from a distance as my entire being lights up like the solar system. Alter egos come out to play – it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. By the end of my drinking there was no fun – just blackouts, screaming, tears and revolting episodes and self loathing.

So for me – I need to fully embrace the fact I am an alcoholic, allergic to alcohol who is destined for excruciating pain if I pick up another drink.

Tough to face but life drinking is unbearable.

Isabella.