Yesterday I was thrust head first into the ice cold deep cruel ocean waves. Head held under by unseen hands, unable to breath, desperately searching for who was drowning me. I can’t survive underwater any longer, I’m dragged cruelly into the cold dank air. Head just above the crashing waves, barely able to gasp for air, swallowing salty water, choking, unable to breathe. I’m screaming, nose full or salty Britney water. Ears deaf filled with the cold crashes of the sea waves – echoing through my head. Pushed down again, head submerged, held down by strong unforgiving hands. Struggling to break free, I’mm held even firmer underwater. Sight starting to disappear, I’m dragged out again into the cold fresh air – it’s not relief I feel. It’s fear and desperation as I know I’ll be pushed back under to my watery death. That struggling is futile, indeed it seems to give this other being more strength and determination to drown out my ego, my desire to live, die, love, hate. I start screaming under water, knowing as I do that it will be the death of me. I start to seek the pure bliss of giving up, drowning in my sorrows as I know I should. And can.
As my life force begins to ebb, a voice comes to me. It’s hard to hear them over my screams. The waves are screaming in unison. Above the water and below. The hands never slackening their control and force.
“Give up.” It whispers. Icy cold tendrils of truth wrapping themselves around my heart. My soul. “You can’t survive this.”
“Stop struggling.”
“Surrender to the inevitable.”
I’m weak. The air I breath is scant. I stop struggling against the omnipotent and unforgiving hands. Stop seeking the truth behind the cruel fingers gripping my scalp. Hair stuck to my scalp. Nose and chest full of the cold heartless ocean.
I give in. I cease fighting. Look forward to the bliss of losing touch with reality and the warmth I will feel when I stop feeling. And fighting.
I sink further down towards the ocean bed, the hands lose their grip and I’m tossed to and fro by the ocean. Ever slowly sinking further and further down. I’m calm now. No longer screaming. No longer seeking the life saving ocean air above the waves still crashing over my head. The ocean feels like a cradle. Like home. I start to feel warmer than I’ve ever felt. More loved, at peace and one with the very thing that will be my demise. I accept the inevitable. The once unacceptable.
An absolute gift at 6.40am after another night without sleep. A brain that has fleas, fleas, fleas. Thousands of fleas jumping everywhere, itchy, biting, scurrying about, tears forever on the verge of springing from the deep depths behind the mask I adopt. A madness within – always present at the back of my brain. Physically at the back of my skull, my brain is the darkness and forever throbs with warning and fear – “Don’t ever forget me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what you do, say or take”. To go there is to disappear. Forever. Above my ears my brain pings and sings “Warning. Warning. Don’t go further back – only one step back further away from the light shining into my eyes and you will be swallowed by the swamp”. “The darkness. The blob. You won’t come back.” This I know. How can a black lump be empty? How can my mind feel empty, hollow, a deep nothing yet still you hear the screaming, the crying, wailing, waves of fear that have a song of their own, a stillness that has a howl that only the demons of the night have ever been able to hear. Sweet relief is when the screaming settles down to whispers, the wailing and crying turning to silent tears, unseen in darkness or light to othersWho are blind to your pain. Thank god others are blind to the pain – for to share it with others would be unspeakable cruelty. A cruelty I would never inflict on anyone. Ever.
You say you saved me – yet you were the reason I needed saving.
You pushed me to the edge and tipped me over – fascinated by the chaos and tears you caused.
You saw the pain yet could not feel it – incapable of empathy – you studied it yet could not replicate it.
Trapped in your own madness you did everything you could to drag me under with you. To blame me for your cruelty, your complete and utter disrespect and duplicity from the day you moved into my apartment and life.
I willingly let go of the very essence of sanity to explore the world through your eyes. The horror was too great at times – the emptiness in your soul infected me with the desire to die. Be done with the pain.
Yet I managed to escape time after time. I would hook myself into your arms knowing that with the love came loathing and shame. Love? No. Not love. Loathing. Pure hatred of self painted in the colours of love and lust. Desire parading as friendship – cutting each other deep with every word of love.
True insanity from the start – I was finally free of you in 2016.
2017 – I came back for more – hoping you had changed as you said you had. You lied yet again and I left. Yet again. Refusing to speak to you for over a year. You did not stop trying to win me back – let’s be friends. You are so strong. The strongest woman I know Isabella- I’m here for you.
2019 – I was no longer strong. I was weakened. Something had broken inside of me before I answered that fateful call and let you back in my life. I begged you with tears in my eyes not to hurt me, told you I was broken as never before. You held me close and told me I was “the answer”, I dared to believe once again.
Yet from the start, I knew you were up to your old tricks again. Were playing me for a fool. I needed the chaos. The madness. The insanity. The vicious words and humiliation of trying to be someone I knew I would never be and didn’t want to be. I needed your pathological lying to keep me sane this year. How twisted is that? You see, I couldn’t lash out at those who had harmed me – so I allowed you to lash out at me. So I could turn my anger and pain onto you – then hate myself for the person I became around you.
What a vicious and twisted game we played. Yet with emerging horror I have realised – I have not lost my sanity but managed to become strong at times again.
But you Joey – you – have lost the strength you had – you no longer make sense when you scream at me. You have aged immeasurably in the last year – I have trouble remembering your smile. Your desperation to be the man you were when we first met is clear – you yell at me to shut up and turn away when I show you old photos of your handsome smiling face of years gone by. You can’t bear to face the past, are petrified of the future and live to avoid the day as much as you can.
Joey – this year I willingly threw myself into your madness – screaming in anger all the way. Yet knowing I had no future with you – all the while lying to you that we did. You think I am angry and hurt because YOU left me – when in truth I was using you to hurt me. Had never been invested in a future with you – I knew all along it was a charade. And each of us were playing our parts to perfection. Me the victim – you the saviour.
But Joey – I did not foresee that for you life is now intolerable – that your grip on reality has slipped. That with all pieces of yourself you shed, manipulated and lied about – you are no longer a whole person. You are a ghost of yourself – a husk of a man who knows his imperfections too well. And hates himself more than he hates me.
Joey – you nearly broke me, I nearly killed my own essence of self to be by your side. But in the end, we are shards of loneliness, each panting in pain, covered in sweat and blood. There are no winners in this a Joey – I see that now. If I get through this there is no glory – my ego has seen to that – I am as lost and hurt as you are. Yet I have always been aware of my madness – embraced it at times thankfully. Joey – this year you have started owning your souls sickness – against your will – hopefully it’s not too late for you.
Or for me.
As it stands, I worry for the other woman who has been an unwitting part in your play this year. She is a true innocent – you will annihilate her with your sickness if you don’t leave her alone. But you won’t Joey- because you are too afraid to be alone to care about someone else.
Thankfully. I know my toxic self needs to be alone and I will be alone as I have always been. To protect others.
I wish I could take credit for this beautifully written piece. I can’t and I won’t.
The next best thing I can do is share this beautiful souls words and spread the love. ❤️❤️
I’ve been blessed with two of the most beautiful, genuine and soulful men in my life. Each of them are the loves of my life, soul mates, twin flames, my other half.
They see me for me. In all my vulnerability, distance, ice cold exterior, my pain, fears and need to always run away. Yet each of them have always been my safety, my heart and despite myself I cherish them more than I can or will ever show.
Each of them “found” me when everyone said they wouldn’t. I opened my door and there they were – asking to enter my home and heart. I knew instantly they were the one – I fought it, was afraid but knew I was lost the minute I met them.
We have chapters in our lives that define us. If we are open to the Universe and our own Higher Powers they will guide the right ones to us.
My first soul love is still in my life as a beautiful cherished friend. I’m grateful and blessed. Yet we’ve worked hard to repair the pain and hurt from the past.
I thought I was done. Who gets two beautiful souls who see you for you? And loves you for all your mess? The Universe had other plans. As they do. Now – I’m facing the biggest fight of my life – to let him in, to love and cherish him as he deserves. I’m petrified I’m too damaged that I’m unable to be what he deserves. He’s thrown himself wide open from day one and I want to howl in pain. How can I be the one to give this beautiful, gentle soul the true love he deserves – more than anyone I’ve ever met?
I’m trying. I really am. But I’m so so scared I’m too toxic and scarred. And I’m scared of falling deeply in love with him – he’s the one – my soul knows it. Which means I won’t survive losing this one. Won’t survive losing his smile, his warmth, his caresses and trust. It will mean the end of me. But – that could be a good thing. If I’m not meant to have this then I can leave the world knowing I tried, gave my all and accept that I’m not meant to be loved or love. ❤️❤️❤️
I don’t care what “they” say. I want a fairy tale. I deserve happily ever and once upon a time. I need the love affair that will take my breath away. They don’t dare to dream. I do. They’ll tell me that love is for fools and true love doesn’t exist any more, but they’re wrong. I’m not asking anyone to tell me I’m right or wrong, I’m still going to listen to my heart anyways. I want the love story that redefines the fairy tale. Kisses in the rain and embraces in the dark, but that is just the start of the magic- our deep soul touching love magic. Soul touching, skin tingling, heart pounding passionate love that sets your spirit on fire. Chivalry is still alive and dreams do come true. I want out of the labels and into the arms of love, because “they” haven’t seen a dream come true. I have. I know the look of love and the heavenly touch of the one meant only for me. Passionate kisses, warm hugs and the look in their eyes that melts my heart. So, don’t tell me I can’t have an old fashioned romance that never ends.. Because I can. No, I will. More than that, I deserve it. The kind of love that people see and smile, because they know that what we have is different..special in a way that most will never understand. Not just a little unique but the type of love affair that makes them smile and shake their heads at the same time. The type of love that lights up a room when we walk in and shine brightly. When I look at them from across the way, I know one thing: that’s the one. Their eyes dancing in the light, the ends of their mouth curling in a delightful smile with the heart that beats only for me. I won’t settle for anything less, and now, I don’t have to. Happily ever after and magical love stories exist, but you have to be open and believe it’s possible and real. I believe in true love, in soul mates, in twin flames. I believe that fairy tales do exist and happily ever after does come true. I believe that love comes for all of us, when we are ready and willing. I believe that we find the one when we are meant to, chance does not exist. So, when I tell you I want the fairy tale, and the last first kiss ever, believe it. I’m not asking anyone but one to share my dream, because ” they” will never understand the true power of a love story like ours. Until you catch a glimpse of heaven in the smile of true love, you don’t know how amazing that feeling really is. Once upon a time and happily ever after, our fairy tale love story started with a kiss and ended with forever. Never stop believing. I didn’t… And my wish came true in you.
