Reset button

“I am currently unsupervised, I know, it freaks me out too….. But the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!!” Yep. Unsupervised. SCARY???? Yep. Nope. Possibly. I have spent the last few months (read 6 months) just wanting to press RESET…. I wanted to throw everything away – job, apartment, new relationship – EVERYTHING. I dreamt and day dreamed…

In retrospect

People enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. At the time you never know why, and its only at the end that you are able to reflect on the impact they have had. The Boy has gone. I would like to say long gone, however he is not. Yet. He is…

The elegant art…

The elegant art of falling apart … the graceful beauty of surviving… Having spent an entire long weekend with myself, centering myself and learning to be at peace, I have not experienced anything like this before. True happiness and serenity has been mine for most of the weekend – loneliness and depression has not been…

I’m Back!

Oh yeah. I. Am. Back. In a big way. In a good way. Stronger and better than ever before. Life has changed so much and I have learnt how strong I am, that I can look after myself. For so long I thought that I needed other people to look after me, protect me and…

I Can See Clearly Now

So confusing. Life. The Boy and I have split up and it is so hard. I am so close to getting all of my shit sorted, exercising and money wise not to mention everything else, but I could not cope any longer with the lack of love shown, anger directed at me and removal of…

Such a loser

Ok so reality check which is what was required unfortunately. Why do I always have to learn the hard way? The one fucking person I should have listened to and respected and I didn’t. Thought I knew best and that he didn’t understand me, wouldn’t listen to me. But what it all comes down to…

Quick Update

Well …. its been a long time since I have been here.   I have read back through a lot of my words, and wow, so confused, fucked up and basically a mess.   The good news is that I feel like I am on the way to happiness…. real happiness. Core happiness.   I…

Fractured

Fractured and torn. Upside down and inside out. Losing grip on reality, capturing it for a fleeting moment, only to watch the wisp of normality slip through my fingers. The Boy: “Just be normal!!!” Me (screaming): “WHATS NORMAL????? HOW AM I NOT NORMAL?????” I know I am not ‘normal’ – and please don’t start the…

Child Abuse

It’s been a while since I have dropped by …. the 4th Step had in knots and still has, however I am starting to untangle the biggest twists. In the past week, someone close to me was open and honest with me – she put a name to my past and all of the pain…

Happiness Means…..

Why life is amazing when waking up without a hangover and still sober: Waking up at 6.00am on a work day and having the day off! Legitimately and not as a sick day!! Freedom from fear and guilt – not a sick day! Being able to appreciate this view from couch – My favourite childhood…

The Search for Connection

As I age, I realise that I have been searching for something my whole life – just what it is, I am never sure, however sometimes I think I know what I am looking for. Sometimes I am searching for my father – The Yugo –  I think I see him crossing the street, sitting…

Choices

So glad I have a choice now. Normally I would have been drunk by now having drunk all week.   Drinks at work tonight – not a craving. Tonight I thought about drinking in an abstract way – glanced at a bottle shop and decided against it. Walked past a bar and a cafe that…

I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Has Gone ……

Feeling ungrounded and out of sorts is a trigger for me to want an escape, find something to ease the pain, help me feel or to simply be in control of something. Distraction is my default position. Not drinking, taking any other substance, including food or medication, over shopping or escaping into work to manage…

Day 40 of My Sobriety

I wish I could celebrate and jump up and down with joy at hitting 40 days of sobriety. I am happy – truly – however with this 2nd round of sobriety has come the realisation that this is really my last chance. Trust me – this is not a drum up, a depressive state or…

I Am Blessed

Such an emotional day today – from the pits of despair one minute to a sense of safety and comfort 30 minutes later. Where to start? I had three things on mind this morning that were creating great anxiety and stress which I kept on praying and reminding myself that everything would look different by…

Crushing Sadness

I feel this crushing sadness and heaviness to my whole being – hard to describe, but like nothing can lift it, I cannot be bothered to even verbalize the pain I feel. It is all I can do to care enough to try to get out of this funk, to even bother trying to get…

Anxiety Attack

Today I have had a day of anxiety attacks off and on. It is Monday today and I am in the middle of a 4-6 week training program of my new staff that I have had to create, develop and rollout without assistance from any part of the business. Plus my Manager is coming down…