Author: Isabella

Resentments WILL Turn You to Drink

If there is one thing I have learnt over the last year, is that my resentments stew.

 
My resentments stew into a big, hot, boiling mess of infection that soon link up with other, unrelated resentments to make one big pussy mess of my emotions and make any attempt to resolve the issues like an adult almost impossible.
 
I now know that if I don’t work on the resentment as soon as it arises, I will drink over it. I will drink to resolve the issue that I should could approach as a clear headed adult if I gave myself the opportunity to do so. 
 
I found myself drinking over small issues, such as dishes in the sink when I want to cook, when really I was drinking because of larger issues that I was too afraid to confront and attempt to resolve. All because of my drinking and the secrecy surrounding it – and the shame. A vicious, vicious circle that only spirals downwards – quite often at an alarming rate such as days. Then, I would find myself in a huge argument with The Boy over something small, which although we would ‘make up’ there was always a feeling of issues unresolved, of nothing being achieved, of still spiralling down out of control – it was like I had stopped mid flight, paused and started travelling forward, however, still dangerously close to the ground.
 
Isabella also found this with work – she would stew on issues, become disenchanted, stressed or start doubting her abilities, so she would go for a walk at lunch, planning which cafe she could go to for lunch … with a sav blanc. Or three. Isabella always made it back to work within the hour – purse lighter, craving abated and a bigger worry to focus on – could anyone smell the wine on her? Is she slurring? How was she going to get through the rest of the afternoon without craving more – or wanting to sleep? What mistakes would she make that she will have to rectify?
 
So resentments can be the death of the alcoholic. Literally.
 
Isabella.
 
xx

Resentments WILL Turn You to Drink

If there is one thing I have learnt over the last year, is that my resentments stew.

 
My resentments stew into a big, hot, boiling mess of infection that soon link up with other, unrelated resentments to make one big pussy mess of my emotions and make any attempt to resolve the issues like an adult almost impossible.
 
I now know that if I don’t work on the resentment as soon as it arises, I will drink over it. I will drink to resolve the issue that I should could approach as a clear headed adult if I gave myself the opportunity to do so. 
 
I found myself drinking over small issues, such as dishes in the sink when I want to cook, when really I was drinking because of larger issues that I was too afraid to confront and attempt to resolve. All because of my drinking and the secrecy surrounding it – and the shame. A vicious, vicious circle that only spirals downwards – quite often at an alarming rate such as days. Then, I would find myself in a huge argument with The Boy over something small, which although we would ‘make up’ there was always a feeling of issues unresolved, of nothing being achieved, of still spiralling down out of control – it was like I had stopped mid flight, paused and started travelling forward, however, still dangerously close to the ground.
 
Isabella also found this with work – she would stew on issues, become disenchanted, stressed or start doubting her abilities, so she would go for a walk at lunch, planning which cafe she could go to for lunch … with a sav blanc. Or three. Isabella always made it back to work within the hour – purse lighter, craving abated and a bigger worry to focus on – could anyone smell the wine on her? Is she slurring? How was she going to get through the rest of the afternoon without craving more – or wanting to sleep? What mistakes would she make that she will have to rectify?
 
So resentments can be the death of the alcoholic. Literally.
 
Isabella.
 
xx

Weird

Ok.

Isabella has broken her own rules.

Never drive, at all, regardless how you feel.

IsaBella was fme tonightNmshe knows she was because she was Altria cautious.

But that’s reallynnot

**** NOTE – This was written a few weeks ago when Isabella was drunk, after a BIG session and she has only now felt comfortable releasing this post that was previously unpublished *****

Reasons To Be Grateful & Sober

Reasons to be grateful and sober:

  1. Clear mind and thinking with clarity;
  2. Less mood swings and feelings of anxiety;
  3. More money – less money spent on wine and food to soak the wine up;
  4. No more drink driving;
  5. More time to self to complete goals – both daily and long-term;
  6. Improved relationship with The Boy;
  7. Improved relationship with Mum;
  8. Ability to be the best at work that I possibly can be;
  9. Less tired, more energy;
  10. Able to sleep soundly;
  11. No more night sweats;
  12. No more paranoia or trying to cover my tracks;
  13. No longer feeling like I am tied to a bottle;
  14. Less cravings for wine;
  15. Obsessive thinking of when, how and how much I can drink from when I first wake up (first thoughts are in the shower);
  16. No more drinking during work hours and getting paranoid that people will realise;
  17. No more regrets for actions or words spoken after a couple of glasses of wine;
  18. Ability to have healthy friendships not based on drinking;
  19. Liver will feel a lot healthier;
  20. Body will feel healthier;
  21. Skin will be clearer;
  22. Lose the “Wine Weight”

So I am still sober – I am not wanting to count the days as I feel that it may be self-defeating and a negative pathway to sobriety. So I will focus on the things that I have realised in the last week and how I have managed to get this far:

  1. I have realised that the only time I am a loser is when I am drinking. When I am not drinking and give myself a chance I am actually ok.
  2. I cannot stop after one glass – proof is in the pudding as they say.
  3. It was not unusual for me to stop on the way home and have at least 3 or 4 glasses of white wine in an hour to just feel like going home. Yes, I would drive. No, it is not ‘normal’
  4. I would constantly plan how and when to have my next drink – first thing in the morning it was my thought.
  5. I could go two days without a drink but that was it.
  6. Last time I was sober for 6 months and in AA it was all due to ‘self will’, which although sounds good, if you follow the AA steps, Self Will is what you should be concious of. Hence I failed as I hadn’t asked for help.
  7. This time I have completely given all ownership away and continually ask for guidance and assistance because it is obvious I cannot do it myself.
  8. HALTT is a huge thing for me – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and Thirsty. Once I recognised that a lot of my cravings for white wine were actually cravings for a cold drink or juice.
  9. Tired is also a huge thing for me as I would drink wine for energy, rather than have a nap, excercise or eat something healthy for energy. Even if The Boy was away I wouldn’t nap as I felt guilty and bad for being so lazy.
  10. Just don’t have the first drink – very true. If you don’t have the first drink, you won’t finish the bottle.
  11. I only know of two other people like me and they don’t do the stupid things that I do;
  12. I actually like myself more when I am not drinking.
  13. I still remember the BAD way the first glass affects me – I get all loose limbed, sure, relaxed, however it isn’t always a nice feeling. Sometimes I would drink even when I didn’t feel like it because I knew that after the first one, the rest would be better.
  14. I have lost so much time, self-respect and achievements from drinking – it was my ‘hobby’ and the reason that I didn’t finish things or why I would not hold to my commitments – when or if I would make them.

Think that’s it for now.

Isabella.

x