An absolute gift at 6.40am after another night without sleep. A brain that has fleas, fleas, fleas. Thousands of fleas jumping everywhere, itchy, biting, scurrying about, tears forever on the verge of springing from the deep depths behind the mask I adopt. A madness within – always present at the back of my brain. Physically at the back of my skull, my brain is the darkness and forever throbs with warning and fear – “Don’t ever forget me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what you do, say or take”. To go there is to disappear. Forever.
Above my ears my brain pings and sings “Warning. Warning. Don’t go further back – only one step back further away from the light shining into my eyes and you will be swallowed by the swamp”. “The darkness. The blob. You won’t come back.”
This I know. How can a black lump be empty? How can my mind feel empty, hollow, a deep nothing yet still you hear the screaming, the crying, wailing, waves of fear that have a song of their own, a stillness that has a howl that only the demons of the night have ever been able to hear.
Sweet relief is when the screaming settles down to whispers, the wailing and crying turning to silent tears, unseen in darkness or light to othersWho are blind to your pain. Thank god others are blind to the pain – for to share it with others would be unspeakable cruelty. A cruelty I would never inflict on anyone. Ever.
