“I don’t want my idea of you. That’s too easy, and it isn’t real. I want you, faults and all. And I want you to want me, faults and all, not any ideas you have about love.” Waylon Lewis
Over the last few weeks, I am slowly appreciating – and accepting – that love comes in many forms.
I’ve always believed in the concept of “Let go, let love” and have loved one boy – who is now a man – since I was 18 years old. Bobby. He is my soul mate, my Romeo, the man I loved enough to let go of – hoping that one day we would be friends again. By the end of my 20’s we were no longer in contact and my heart ached and I mourned the loss for many, many years – in some ways I still do.
From there I sped into my 30’s – spending close to 10 years with a man – J – who simply saw me as an adornment, a symbol and something to have around the house for show. There was an empty hole in my heart and soul that I filled with alcohol and substances – we knew from the first few months that we were not a good match. Yet we persevered. Why? I still do not know fully – I have some insight – however the full reasons have not yet been revealed – and may not be. All I know was that the girl I was always felt invisible, alone, a ghost in the corner, unheard, a girl who lost her voice and knowledge of who she was – not that she knew in the beginning either. I did not have the strength to end the charade, so I exploded the life I had with him in November 2012. The remnants of that relationship and girl are still shards of glass that slice – I don’t delve too deeply into who she was – yet. She is still a charred, burnt out shell that I am slowly tying to heal.
I have loved another man – Joey – recently – since 2013. Again – I loved the boy inside the man enough to let him go, yet hung onto him at times that were harmful to him and I. We are not kindred spirits or soul mates, yet our love and passion runs deep – the fire in our love burns our souls. There is little nourishment or security with him, yet the sexual energies and shared intimacy keep lying to us both. The physical passion we experience taunts us – we connect so deeply when we make love, yet in the real world we struggle to communicate. At our worst we are revolting creatures who we do not recognise – we treat each other appallingly – vicious words, hurtful silences, wounding , scratching, and harmful energies. Yet there is love. Yet again, I have ended our relationship and want to be friends again – it’s better that way.
With all three men, we have tried multiple times over many years to make our love work – yet have not been able to. The first love of mine finally ended after eight long painful years – I let us both go free as he did as well. It was a mutual and painful choice.
The second laboured on for ten years.
The third man I have surrendered to the truth and we are now free to be friends as of last week. It’s still raw. But right. Joey and I will always be friends. I know that.
Bobby and I – well we live over 2000 kms away from each other, have not seen each other in person for ten years and only recently video called each other. Showing each other our homes, and absorbing the changes the years have made to each other. And we have – slowly – formed a friendship that is full of love and gratitude. The bond is still there, forgiveness and trust strong and love spoken, given and relieved.
I’m learning that I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel loved – I do not yet love myself much. Yet I respect and admire all three men in different ways – thus I trust that they see, or saw, something in me that I am yet to see or acknowledge.
I am trusting that if Bobby and Joey can love me, see some good in me, that maybe, just maybe, I am lovable.
With much love,