Blog name change from “Just Be Normal” when I first started this blog in 2011/2012(?).
My now ex partner used to shout that at me …..”Just be normal!!!!!!”. He did not understand that I didn’t know what normal was, I didn’t know who I was …. so how could I be something when I didn’t know anything else?
Close to 7 years later, I now know why I didn’t know what “normal” was (or is).
Please do not start the “…who wants to be normal anyway…” crap. Only people who have had the standard childhood and have houses, partners, children, jobs, friends, hobbies and holidays think they know what normal is. I am nowhere near having any of that now – except the house (thank my higher power and family) and friends I keep a safe distance away from me – logistically and emotionally.
So – new blog name – Unfathomable Life – because I don’t understand why I have this shit to deal with. Some of it’s my own doing, however, most of the unravelling of me, my mind and my life is due to other people’s actions.
I don’t know how I have ended up right where I am today.
I am totally alone, no family except two males I keep a huge distance from.
No partner – well today that is – tomorrow or next week we may be seeing each other again (Joey is for another day).
No job, no employment or study plans on the future – just hours of therapy apparently ahead of me. Outpatient may be 30 – 40 hourly sessions a week and/or inpatient DBT therapy. I have no idea.
All I know is that I’ve joined the highest rank of Private Health Insurance to be able to be treated as an inpatient after two months. It costs a bomb.
I know that is 5pm and I’m done for the day – on my bed and just wanting to sleep the night away. That’s not normal for a 45 year old. I’ve done my household chores, eaten a pie (unusual- normally donuts for dinner lately) and re started this blog.
I have a long to do list and have spent the past 3 months working on updating my back Garden and house so it is an oasis of calm.
This week is the first week since May that I have only small projects to do. And I feel disconnected, invisible, alone and, at times, calm. I count my blessings, know my fortunate circumstances and am grateful. Yet I cannot get away from the fact I’m stuck with childhood trauma and feelings that are surfacing every day that I have to manage.
I cannot forget that no one wants me, no one needs me and no one truly cares. I know that the people in my life care for me – even love me – but that doesn’t change the fact that 24/7 I am alone.
It’s completely unfathomable to me how this life of mine has turned out like this. I believe that I am toxic and destined for people to leave or die. Destined to be alone for eternity.
Enough lamenting as Joey would say.
Night, night.
Isabella.
