I truly do not know what the future holds for me and it scares me …. even though I know no-one else knows either.
I have never been scared of the unknown in this way – I always felt like the master of my own destiny. However I feel I have lost the power in the last year since mum died.
Perhaps it has something to do with the realisation that I could not bring mum back after dying?? That I was completely and utterly helpless – her death was ultimately beyond my control. I remember pacing in my room upstairs with this rage and feeling of hopelessness and loss of control that I could not bring her back.
I have never felt so helpless in my life.
Nothing I could do, say or negotiate would bring her back to life.
And that devastated me.
I always had control. And then I didn’t.
This sense of powerlessness has been reinforced by my ex-partner C refusing to leave my home despite me begging, pleading, threateninig, negotiating and every other avenue I can think of. He simply refuses to leave until he is ready. Despite telling me he has not loved me for close to 2 years now. Despite having separate rooms 2 months after mum died. This situation has added to my sense of powerlessness and loss of control – I cannot even be respected enough for an ex boyfriend to move out. And no. I will not call the police as he is not violent, and I don’t want that horrible situation in my house. So I am stuck.
I’m living with someone I don’t want in my life.
And living without someone I dearly want back in my life.
Why am I not drinking. Every. Single. Day. I will never know. But I’m not and that’s a bonus.