You know, the Universe does know best.
If you try to ignore it, fuck with it or go against it’s wishes it will always draw you right back to where you should be.
2013 has officially been my “Annus Horribilis” as the lovely Queen once described one of her years. Que – wave….
Yet, throughout the year, I seem to have grown stronger and able to handle situations without the major dramas, crash and burn states that I have in the past. Let’s recap shall we? Let’s go:
- November 2012 – slept with a random guy I met at a pub (a first one night stand with a stranger), then had to go home the next morning (bed hair and thank god sunglasses) and face the music with The Boy. Which resulted, predictably, with us splitting up. I moved out within 4 days – some would say with tail between legs, I would say with the words “FREEDOM” yelled at the tops of my lungs. I then, embarrassingly, proceeded to beg to go back, whilst, bizarrely searching for my own apartment and looking at furniture. But. Once I realised that I could do this grown up thing called life, I stopped begging and started moving into my brand new apartment.
December 2012 – my grandfather took really ill and I had to organise for him to go into a nursing home – a truly devastating time for my grandmother as they had lived together for 60+ years and had rarely spent time apart. I wasn’t working through this time so I spent my time at home in my gorgeous apartment, looking after my family and, well, working through my “to do list’. You know your “To Do List” – of men you wanted to fuck? My list was embarrassingly short but I made good work of it.
Feb 2013 – My beloved and gorgeous grandfather died. All three women in his life were beside him to witness his last breath. I would not have changed anything.
There was one very inappropriately funny moment – my mother, grandmother and I were by Pa’s bed and we had been blessed to say goodbye to him. Pa knew that this would be his last day – he wasn’t sick, just old – and we had all privately spoken with him. To say our goodbyes – I don’t know what my mother said and it’s none of my business. Same with my Nana – she adored that man and Pa had said to her “I never ever cheated on you love” and my Nan replied “I know love”. Me? I asked for forgiveness and apologised for the pain I had caused, the time spent ignoring him or not speaking with each other. I told him that I wished I could change the past – he forgave me and said “It’s alright love – we always loved you”. I promised to look after Nan and Mum – both knowing that Nan was the warrior out of us three women.
So there we were – all holding his hands talking to him, hugging each other and telling him it’s ok to let go. Pa takes a deep breath …. then ….. nothing. No more movement. No more breathes. We found ourselves holding our own breath while we tried to accept the fact that it was his last.
Suddenly, Pa’s eyes fly open. He looks around and asks “Am I dead yet!?!?” I kid you not. We were all equally shocked, speechless and, inappropriately, we all burst into hysterical laughter as we reassured him that no – he wasn’t dead yet.
Once we had settled ourselves down, Pa closed his eyes and drifted back to his inner world. We three warriors watched patiently and silently again – each of our breaths synced with his. Until, finally, we were holding our breaths awaiting for his exhale – as he breathed out we anticipated his next inhale. Which did not come – he had passed away before our eyes – no laughter or confusion this time. Just peace, calm and love surrounding him – a dignified and quiet death interspersed with humour. Exactly as he had lived – quietly with silent strength and dignity – a gentleman in every sense of the word.
- March 2013 – My auntie died of cancer – another devastating blow to our small family. Only three of us women left now. We are all little soldiers – my nan, my mum and I.
April 2013 – A little ray of sunshine – Joey- I met online started being in my life by text and email. A couple of dates and the start of something new.
All through this, I dealt with the “Unreasonable Control Freak” (otherwise known as The Boy) about a settlement, have lost my home, my gorgeous dog, my two beautiful cats, a number of “friends”, took on a immensely stressful Management role against my better instincts (damn you Universe you were right). My best friend moved 3,000kms across the country, my mother has had numerous hospitalisations, work has been horrifically stressful and long hours, I saw my fathers mother for the first time in 20 years, also saw my uncle who was abusive to me as a child and …….. basically tried to keep my shit together.
Fuck. How the hell did I do it?
Well, the little ray of sunshine turned out to be the best thing to have happened to me in many years – in many, many ways. And. After knowing him for eight (yes 8) weeks, I promptly moved him into my apartment and life. Was I scared? Yep. But. For once in my life I made a decision based on MY gut instinct, my intuition and for me. There are issues but they are workable. What he gives me is total and utter support, unconditional love and encouragement to be me. When I met him, I was feeling extremely unsexy, dressed down, didn’t really care about myself but he has shown me how to love again. And I started realising that I was worth something, not the loser that the Unreasonable Control Freak kept on telling me I was, I started realising that I am a good person and deserve to look after myself as such.
Yep. A big year so far.
And, funnily enough, chronologically, I am only up to June……
In the last four weeks, I have ended up in hospital, lost my job and basically lost everything again.
Yet. I am the happiest I have ever been, as I know now that I can do anything and, when the Universe tells you to do something, you fucking do it. Because if you don’t it will make you do it even if the Universe has to almost kill you to get your stupid life back on the track it is supposed to be on.
So, anyone who thinks they are going through shit – yep. You are. But keep focusing on what you should be doing, what is guiding you and keep on track…. otherwise you will be thrown back on track. Forcibly and painfully.