Feeling ungrounded and out of sorts is a trigger for me to want an escape, find something to ease the pain, help me feel or to simply be in control of something. Distraction is my default position.
Not drinking, taking any other substance, including food or medication, over shopping or escaping into work to manage the feeling of being lost and confused is a really hard lesson to learn. People’s natural instinct is to run, hide or deny uncomfortable feelings or situations.
The urge to run is also compounded when the feeling of a strong network or community is absent in one’s life, weak in strength or numbers or of a dysfunctional abusive nature.
The search for relief is also a distraction from the real issues in our life as we spend more time obsessing on how to find relief, taking the ‘medication’ and then, ultimately and in the short term, recovering from that supposed medication.
Alcohol and drugs are a temporary fix and medication – no sooner have we achieved the high we desired and the level of numbness required to not think and feel do we find ourselves having to deal with the inevitable lows that are the comedown. Then, dealing with the hangover or comedown takes up even more of our time and energy to recover from – again distracting us from the real issues.
Hence we are dealing with what it is known as a progressive disease – we need to drink more and more frequently to distract us from the pain and uncomfortable situations we find ourselves in.
The level of clarity that I am (occassionally) experiencing is wonderful. They are an indication that I am not crazy, that I am not nasty and spiteful or hateful, that I am a good person and that I do deserve to have a life filled with love, comfort and support.
Of course those times of clarity are more often that not in between times of confusion, pain and a feeling of loss – these feelings seem to be more prevalent than the clarity I seek. The highs and lows I am experiencing are frightening, crazy and amazing to observe yet as long as I try to step away from the feelings – they are just that – feelings. I hold onto the trust and the belief that the craziness will be soon followed by clarity and understanding and growth.
I have a sneaky suspicion that something I have been denying for many, many years is about to rear it’s head and I really do not know if I can ignore it anymore – particularly if I want to live a healthy, safe and happy life.
One thing I have now that I didn’t have a month ago seems to be a network of support and understanding – a network of people that are there for me if I so chose to be a part of it. I also have the knowledge that I am ok, that I will be ok as long as I don’t pick up that first damn drink.
I am really looking forward to having some FUN and share some laughter with the people in my life sooner rather than later. Unfortunately my sense of humour is quirky and the happiness I find is in the simple things – hugging my puppy, seeing her run, knowing that my animals are surrounding me with love and speaking to people who care.
Looking forward to another challenging day – of which I will no doubt grow and learn something new as a person who’s sight is no longer obscured by the rain.