Well, today was not much better to tell you the truth, however I got through the day, without drinking.
Although I did walk out of an AA Women’s meeting halfway through, then broke down in tears in the middle of the street on the way back to the office. I was a mess and everyone was walking past me looking at me crying – lucky I had large sunglasses on.
I tried to call M (my sponsor) and left a message – which is absolutely fine – so I called The Boy (my partner) who answered the phone. I then proceeded to lose it further for about 10 minutes whilst talking to him about work, my feelings of pressure, being overwhelmed and unsupported by the company I work for.
The Boy was supportive, talked me through a couple of the issues and helped me see that I didn’t need to spend so much time at work – that no-one cared that I was working long hours and over the weekends. The Boy talked me through the need to leave on time, make sure that I was doing all I can during business hours. He advised that if I was not able to complete all tasks, I should just leave them so that the business can see how under resourced I was, and could benefit from support. As a Manager of a team, a complete control-freak and excessive pride in my work, I find that extremely difficult to do. But I will have to for my sanity – I know that.
After the call, I went back to work feeling a little better and in control, only to be further bombarded with issues in the office, more problems and falling further behind my to do list. But I managed to leave at 5.05pm by shutting down my laptop, picking up my bag and walking out of my office.
Then called my sponsor, had a long debrief about work which was wonderful and good to hear – that I am getting sober and dealing with the issues, feelings and pain.
I then spoke to another AA member regarding The Boy and the night before and again felt better.
The good news? After reading (as I was advised to do by a loyal reader) the last two posts, I realised that, again, I still did not crave a drink. It was the last thing on my mind.
Sure. I fantasized about handing in my immediate resignation, to then move out of the home I share with The Boy into a studio apartment and just get the hell away from everything that threatens my sobriety. I may just do that if pushed further – we can dream can’t we?
So. It is now 10pm, I am sitting on the couch, able to reflect on the day and know that it was the pits, but it is not as bad as it could have been.
And that I am surrounded by people who care as long as I care and do the right thing – both in my personal life, my work life and office, AA and …. amazingly …. online.
So there is a silver lining to every cloud … and It is what it is and certainly not as bad as other people’s struggles.
One thought on “Not Much Better But Still Sober”
Your life is taking over!!! Excellent news and excellent challenges ahead! xxxoo