Well, today was not much better to tell you the truth, however I got through the day, without drinking.
Although I did walk out of an AA Women’s meeting halfway through, then broke down in tears in the middle of the street on the way back to the office. I was a mess and everyone was walking past me looking at me crying – lucky I had large sunglasses on.
I tried to call M (my sponsor) and left a message – which is absolutely fine – so I called The Boy (my partner) who answered the phone. I then proceeded to lose it further for about 10 minutes whilst talking to him about work, my feelings of pressure, being overwhelmed and unsupported by the company I work for.
The Boy was supportive, talked me through a couple of the issues and helped me see that I didn’t need to spend so much time at work – that no-one cared that I was working long hours and over the weekends. The Boy talked me through the need to leave on time, make sure that I was doing all I can during business hours. He advised that if I was not able to complete all tasks, I should just leave them so that the business can see how under resourced I was, and could benefit from support. As a Manager of a team, a complete control-freak and excessive pride in my work, I find that extremely difficult to do. But I will have to for my sanity – I know that.
After the call, I went back to work feeling a little better and in control, only to be further bombarded with issues in the office, more problems and falling further behind my to do list. But I managed to leave at 5.05pm by shutting down my laptop, picking up my bag and walking out of my office.
Then called my sponsor, had a long debrief about work which was wonderful and good to hear – that I am getting sober and dealing with the issues, feelings and pain.
I then spoke to another AA member regarding The Boy and the night before and again felt better.
The good news? After reading (as I was advised to do by a loyal reader) the last two posts, I realised that, again, I still did not crave a drink. It was the last thing on my mind.
Sure. I fantasized about handing in my immediate resignation, to then move out of the home I share with The Boy into a studio apartment and just get the hell away from everything that threatens my sobriety. I may just do that if pushed further – we can dream can’t we?
So. It is now 10pm, I am sitting on the couch, able to reflect on the day and know that it was the pits, but it is not as bad as it could have been.
And that I am surrounded by people who care as long as I care and do the right thing – both in my personal life, my work life and office, AA and …. amazingly …. online.
So there is a silver lining to every cloud … and It is what it is and certainly not as bad as other people’s struggles.