I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.
My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.
Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.
So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:
- I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
- I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
- Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
- I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
- I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
- Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
- Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
- Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.
The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.
Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.
BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.
I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.
Isabella.
xxx
*** Reposted as I will be starting a Steps insight as I am now up to Step 2 and would like to focus more on my recovery steps and my experiences with AA, as well as my daily challenges, difficulties and wins.
Hi Isabelle, I too found you through Jen. And I too am struggling. Especially with patio weather quickly approaching.
Hi nnkato – I too ‘lifted’ your find last night and did not think to reference your site until I had a few people commenting. This spoke to me sooooo deeply and I needed reminding last night. It is such a gentle approach to such as devastating illness and addiction.
“Patio” weather for us has just finished and we are moving into autumn – but I did love a drink in the warm summer days. But I just remember – did I actually have fun and it got to the stage that I didn’t have fun. I was just drinking because I had to. Stopping wasn’t an option. What about you? Were you still having fun when you were drinking? How are you managing to not drink?
Isabella.
xx
well, I’m not managing well, in that I am drinking still, occasionally, and just haven’t got it in me to sever the cord…I know I should, but shit…
Hi Isabelle. I’m seeking you out through Jen. Your blogging is amazing and honest! Thank you!!! Thank you. I need to see every single person’s journey at every stage. It is a journey of a lifetime.
You know, life is pretty unmanageable overall … just saying don’t beat the crap out of yourself too much. xoxo m
Thank you. I have realised this 2nd time in the rooms of AA and 2nd time of concerted effort to get sober, that I need to reach out and share, listen and be honest.I also get helped by reading others stories – I feel like I could spend my entire life listening to others.
Isabella.
xx