I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.
My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.
Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.
So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:
- I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
- I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
- Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
- I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
- I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
- Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
- Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
- Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.
The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.
Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.
BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.
I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.
Isabella.
xxx
I am responding because the only thing that is keeping me sober right now is the insanity!! I have been angry, so angry, and the paranoia is so real and so very frightening!! Many lies, hiding the real me and how much I drink, better yet pretending not to be drinking, and so afraid someone will find out the truth. My husband knows, he knows all about me, the terrible mood swings, the frustration, he says I change when I drink, that I get mean. So as of today I have been sober for 5 days. This is usually about the time I let myself forget the insanity and go out and buy a bottle. I have been keeping the phrase, “my life has become unmanagable” the forefront of my mind, my inner soul, because I am only just starting to feel normal, but that is when I seem to loose it.
Hi Shirley. Well done with 5 days – I know how hard it can be. I really understand about the lies, hiding the real me and hiding drinking. No one knows how much I drank – I even used to hide/lie to myself. Until I couldn’t anymore and then I wanted to get away from me – which is really hard unless you have a physical desire to end your life, which, thankfully I hadn’t reached that stage. Forgetting the insanity, for me, is the disease saying that “It’s ok, it will be different this time, I/we can control it”. It’s such bullshit. And scary how much the mind can be swayed – I would even go into a fugue state where I would be arguing with myself …. all the way to the bar and whilst I was ordering a white wine.
I have many mantra’s now (I am such a sad sack! but it’s working).
A couple of them are around “I cannot deal with this shit – take the urge away from me – it’s too stressful”, HALTT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Thirsty?), “I haven’t hid bottom – yet” and that I am physically addicted to drinking and am completely and utterly allergic to the poison that is alcohol. I figure whatever works to stop me drinking, I will do as even though it has been 2 1/2 weeks, I know I am only one wrong thought gone too far and I will drink.
Then my brain, possibly not my life, but my internal self will completely become unmanageable and I will go crazy – and I cannot cope with the insanity of drinking anymore. Normality for me is a dangerous place as I feel comfortable and in control.
What else are you doing to manage the drinking?