I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.
My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.
Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.
So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:
- I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
- I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
- Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
- I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
- I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
- Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
- Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
- Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.
The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.
Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.
BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.
I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.