It’s weird but the way I am going is unsustainable. It cannot keep going on.
But I feel like I don’t have a future anyway. I just can’t see it.
I desperately want to be the person that everyone thinks I am but in reality I am just a fuck up.
There is no way that I will hurt myself in this state of mind but I wonder why I am so self destructive.
I look at other women and they are nothing like me. Absolutely nothing like me.
I seem to be on a mission to prove something. But who to and what?
Who does the shit I do??? I know of no one else.
I have been so fortunate in my life in every aspect – there are many situations that I should not have safe. Yet I was. Do I have an innate ability to chose people that won’t hurt me? How long will that last if I do?
Or do I have hard working Angels who are about to give up, ringing their hands in despair? They can only do so much.
I am loved and I love.
But my demons seem to be too strong or I am weak.
I fear I am going to lose this battle and the casualties will be many. Which I desperately don’t want to happen.
But I don’t have anyone to turn to or help me. How can they understand something that I don’t?
3 thoughts on “The way I am going.”
Isabella, the words you write sound like they are straight from my thoughts. Please don’t ever think you are alone and the only one feeling this way.
Thank you MJ. It is a very scary place isn’t it? Being scared of yourself and the inability to control the self is the most debilitating feeling in the world.
Keep in touch.