It’s weird but the way I am going is unsustainable. It cannot keep going on.
But I feel like I don’t have a future anyway. I just can’t see it.
I desperately want to be the person that everyone thinks I am but in reality I am just a fuck up.
There is no way that I will hurt myself in this state of mind but I wonder why I am so self destructive.
I look at other women and they are nothing like me. Absolutely nothing like me.
I seem to be on a mission to prove something. But who to and what?
Who does the shit I do??? I know of no one else.
I have been so fortunate in my life in every aspect – there are many situations that I should not have safe. Yet I was. Do I have an innate ability to chose people that won’t hurt me? How long will that last if I do?
Or do I have hard working Angels who are about to give up, ringing their hands in despair? They can only do so much.
I am loved and I love.
But my demons seem to be too strong or I am weak.
I fear I am going to lose this battle and the casualties will be many. Which I desperately don’t want to happen.
But I don’t have anyone to turn to or help me. How can they understand something that I don’t?