Desperate to Get Out From Under this Cloud

3rd January, 2012 – reflections of diary entry. Life was bleak.

I am desperate to not sink into this hole of blackness. To not curl up into a ball and cry, cry, cry. I hate myself, I have no energy and I cannot really see the point. I am so tired of fighting everything – my past, my families history, fighting to maintain a normal existence and do all the things I ‘should’.

My mood is black and bleak.

Yet I still try to maintain a normal exterior – fruit and vegie shopping, knife shopping, bought a juicer for healthier living, walked the dog, marinated a chicken breast, took the garbage bins out, fed all of the animals, folded towels. All in an hour and a half. I used to have four drinks in the same time and ended up feeling relaxed, numb and energised. Now I just feel tired and depressed. So much for healthy, happy living.

My mood may definitely have something to do with the fact that I really only had 3-4 hours sleep last night and it was the first day back at work. AND I did not have a drop of caffeine (tea, coffee or diet Coke) or sugar throughout the day.

So tired I could sleep right here and now, but I am unable to because The Boy is due home soon and I will have to cook dinner – a heap of vegies, chicken and rice for The Boy – no rice for me.

I really don’t want to be a depressive. I am sure that after a good feed, a sleep and a fresh mind, I will be better tomorrow. I hope.

Luv me please.

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