Well, Day 1 wasn’t too hard in light of not drinking. It was hard due to the detox I have started to help my liver, lose weight, live healthier and get some fitness up back. At the moment I am foggy headed, bone weary and depressed – all because I am drinking juices, water and not having sugar or caffeine. Also goes without saying – no alcohol.
So why have I decided to do this AGAIN? Give up alcohol AGAIN?
Simple – because The Boy and I had the most frank discussion we have ever had and it scared me that he knew that my drinking was out of control and I thought that I had hidden it from everyone. How wrong was I.
Thankfully The Boy still cares about me enough to tell me and not just walk away.
The Boy and I spoke on Monday night and it came out that he does feel bitter about two things:
1. Me never finishing anything;
2. My drinking and inablity to stop or just have one;
It was a break through – he even mentioned how bad our lifestyle is in way of fitness and food, that we rarely eat vegetables, never have fruit in the house and barely excercise (well he does semi-regurlarly whereas I walk the dog). I discussed how I felt that I was always walking on eggshells, never knowing when he was going to snap at me, or when he would have a go at something. We discussed that he would not mention me drinking anymore, however would take it out in other ways hence my confusion and my retaliation as I wasn’t knowing where his anger was coming from. We also discussed his lack of support when I was sober for 6 months in 2011 and his lack of understanding truly what it means to be an alcoholic.
I didn’t sleep Monday night as it hit me – again – that my life was being affected in a major way due to my drinking, that The Boy was the main one that was being affected aside from myself.
No-one even knows the true extent of my drinking – only me. And it scares the hell out of me when I know how much I drink and what stupid things I do when I am drinking – always alone, never with anyone.
I truly do not want to stop drinking. I want to be able to live a healthy life, excercise, finish projects and have a clear head. But I am not able to whilst i am drinking because after one I cannot stop.
AA helped me in Feb 2011, however I got tired of obsessing NOT to drink rather than the good things so after six months stopped.
I am hoping to now keep the basics of AA in mind, focus on living healthy, eating well and loving The Boy and being there fully for work and for my family.
I know there are tough times ahead and The Boy knows it as well – although he doesn’t know just how tough it might be.
I am doing this for myself only as I know that if I was to lose The Boy, my job and my life due to drinking, that would be the end of me. I would never survive the guilt, self-hatred or have the strength to rebuild my life again.
So I am making a choice – white wine or me.
I chose me.