Damn It – Back Where I Started

Damn it.

I am back where I started in February 2010.

Well, that’s not quite true. Life is not as confused, messed up or at risk as it was in February, however 11 months later I am having the SAME conversation with The Boy and the SAME conclusion has been drawn.

I simply cannot drink. Ever. At all. Never. Again.

I was sober for six months, thought I could go back to drinking and ‘control’ it, however drinking controls me and turns me out of control.

At least this time I know what to expect, what not to do, what to do and it seems that I may be able to be more open to Jon about not drinking and the efforts it takes.

Life has definately started to get messy, I have started to regret drinking sessions, watch what I am drinking around certain people and planning on a drinking session when it is ‘safe’ to do so. Even if it is just one glass of wine on my own.

I have also found that my tolerance is extremely high – 3/4 bottle of champagne in an hour – no problem. 4 glasses of white wine in an hour and a half? Done. Still walking.

I am 37 and I have to face the fact that no matter what I try and how I try to control alcohol, it always ends up controlling me.

I don’t want to lose what I have, I want to be proud of myself, I want my friends and family to be proud of me – I don’t want to continue to wonder if I have slipped up and let on that I was drunk, or had been drinking when I shouldn’t have.

So as of Tuesday 3rd January, I am now a sober alcoholic.

I will try to be happy about it, will try to remember the hints and tips that AA taught me and will try to keep in mind why I am doing this. I want to be healthy, happy and energetic, my liver to be happy with me and The Boy to be happy with me. I need to do this for me, my family and my future. If I don’t, I have no doubt that my fears of ending up where I started, and worse, will come to fruition, I will end up on the street or with a bunch of no-hopers just drinking and drugging. Or worse, not being here at all, because I have decided to disappear, to end life because it is all too hard.

I have told The Boy today that I will stop drinking again today – he has heard it before but he should know that I am not as bad as I was, that I have recently stopped for six months so can do it again.

And I will.

Isabella.

xx

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